by JOHNSON CUMMINS

Big John Bates and the Voodoo Dollz make no bones of why they get up on stage. They are there to entertain, plain and simple. Mixing psychobilly fury with dark, B-movie-themed lyrics, Bates ups the ante with a pair of choreographed fetish felines hellbent on whipping the degenerate crowd into a horny froth. Singer/guitarist Big John Bates is no chump, realizing exactly why he is currently putting "asses in seats" all across North America and Europe: "It's just fun to watch two girls spank each other to good music." 'Nuff said.

Bates didn't always sport a ten-gallon hat. Not so long ago, he fancied the flowing locks of a metalhead, cutting his teeth exploring the upper vocal registers for turn-of-the-'90s metal band Annihilator ("Alice in Hell," anybody? Naw, didn't think so). So how did this onetime headbanger take the dirt road from Marshall stacks to good ol' Gretsch twang? "After I quit Annihilator, I got into the Cramps really heavily. I think that a lot of the fun in rock 'n' roll has been sucked up and dried out by bands trying to be dark and heavy. I get way more satisfaction just having fun."

Despite audiences singing their praises as one of the best live shows to come out of Canada, these Vancouverites can still manage to ruffle some feathers. It seems the catfight antics of Voodoo Dollz Rowdy Rosie and Jailbait Jenny, as well as bassist Scare-oline's belly-dancing gyrations, haven't always gone down to a chorus of catcalls. People in Vancouver have demanded their money back in disgust after getting an eyeful of these jezebels, and one time the Voodoo Dollz were actually pulled off stage in Las Vegas by security. Rowdy Rosie and Jailbait Jenny, in proper J.D. reprobate fashion, protested getting the hook by trotting up to the front of the stage and mooning the audience.

If this frames Bates as the oily Catskills comedian stuck between strippers, Bates couldn't care less. "Let's face it, there are tons of good bands out there. We consider ourselves a good band and are really proud of ourselves, but our show is about the music the same way Alice Cooper's show is about the music. We offer up sex and if you want good music, we have that too."

Bates's life might sound like something yanked from the pages of Penthouse Forum. What red-blooded guy wouldn't want to trade places with him? Locked in a van with three hot, latex-laden hussies and nothing to do till Red Deer? This guy should be getting more ass than a Port Authority toilet seat. Bates offers us a sad sneak peek behind the doors of his heartbreak hotel with this admittance. "Let's just say I'm one of the luckiest men alive - but it's only when I'm on stage." Congratulations, John, you've just made a grown man cry. Bastard!

With the Brains at Petit Campus on Friday, March 5, 9pm, $8.50

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