by MATTHEW HAYS

That old phrase "only in America" springs to mind while contemplating the million-dollars-per-episode paycheque that Ray Romano collects for his program. Despite his massive popularity on the hit TV show Everyone Loves Raymond, I can't, for the life of me, determine the appeal of the achingly generic Romano. He just doesn't operate on a wavelength I'm receiving. It's just one of those things, sort of like the whistle only dogs can hear, I guess.

If Romano's very appeal is that he's generic and an everyman, he's found his match with the screenplay for Welcome to Mooseport. It's simple, straightforward and stupid-studio cutesy, the kind of thing that offers utterly no surprises so the simpleton demographic won't be offended. Romano is a plumber (get it?) in small town Mooseport, and the former U.S. president (Gene Hackman), who has just completed his two terms, arrives in town for his retirement. Hackman is soon ogling Romano's galfriend and she, feeling neglected by Romano, considers dating the former Prez. To up the zany ante, Hackman decides to run for mayor of Mooseport, placing him on yet another level of competition with Romano, who's also running for the spot. A contrived media circus ensues.

With its non-stop, chirpy musical score indicating precisely how we should feel at any given moment, Welcome to Mooseport is the kind of filmmaking mush that will drive anyone who enjoys decent films into a depression. It is entirely underwhelming, and though Romano may fit in, compounding the sorrow of watching this thing unfold is seeing undeniable talents like Hackman and Marcia Gay Harden have to play along for their paycheques. Acting can be such a sad profession.

John Waters used to complain about the tyranny of good taste, but Welcome to Mooseport feels like the tyranny of mediocrity. It is the big-screen version of elevator muzak. Only dullards need attend.

Welcome to Mooseport opens Friday, Feb. 20

>> Movie Listings