M Yes, this is a rant that goes out to the Cabaret. The Stills show tonight was great, awesome, effective, intense, good sound, man, it was a really good scene. A really bad scene though - a GONG SHOW - was the coat check on the way out of the building. You guys gotta do something about that place, man, it's so inefficient to just let the BULL RUSH occur. The set was an hour and a half and it took me another hour and a half to get my jacket and get out of there and I ended up missing the metro. You guys have got to figure something out there. Take care. [BLEEP!]

M This is Mikey, singer of the Dropouts. Man, this rant goes to Bottenberg who wrote about the Stills - who are good friends of my mine, friends of my band - fuckin' saying shit about us being a POP-PUNK UNIT. Anyway, I'm just fuckin' saying, you know, that the guy should fucking come and see the band he's writing about because he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. Sure, he's seen the Stills, sure, whatever the fuck, but I've never seen him in my fucking audience before. Calling us a pop-punk band, the guy is fucking clueless and I don't fucking care. Calling us a pop punk band, he's an idiot. Fuck the Mirror, fuck you. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, I was at the L'X punk show on January 30 and it was awesome. All the bands were excellent but Five Knuckle Surprise kicked some serious ass. They're a skate-punk style band and they brought so much freakin' energy to the stage. We really need to see more of that in Montreal and, look out, because they're the NEXT BIG THING from around here. [BLEEP!]

F To that guy talking about his ARMY DREAMS - I know exactly how you feel, man, but, dude, it's not worth it. I work in an army surplus store on St-Laurent and we get all these veterans and cadets - people joining the army, people who've just come back from war - and they're all telling us their crazy stories and they all have this DEAD LOOK in their eyes and it's really depressing. So it's not worth it, man, war is not a happy place. And if you don't believe me, watch Band of Brothers. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, I wanted to rant back to the guy who wakes up every morning with an urge to join the army even though he doesn't want to kill people. Listen, man, you wanna join the army just because you want to be told what to do. Find yourself some DOMINEERING female and you'll be all set. You won't have to kill anybody either. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the guy who's experiencing a sudden urge to join the army. Creepy, isn't it? About a year ago, my military dreams began - intense visions of entrapment and escaping, of being marked in the eye with laser rays, etc. It's our conscious minds experiencing the diseased world around us, a wake-up call yelling, "The world needs love." The keyword here is action. We need to really start accepting each other and stop the judgements. After all, we are the people. If not you, then who? It starts within. [BLEEP!]

M What's all the bullshit about Montreal being full of women who only wanna have sex? All I've encountered is fucking crusty hippies on the Plateau and fucking stuck-up dyke material stick-bitches on fuckin' Crescent Street. [BLEEP!]

F I just want to say that I LOVE everybody. Everybody in Montreal. Let's stop the ranting. And, seriously, I love you. [BLEEP!]

M I just have to say that I really, really, really HATE Ben Mulroney. That's all. [BLEEP!]

M You better fucking believe I'm going to leave my rant now. Listen to this. This is America. I know I'm just one American, but trust me, I encompass the entire mentality of what is Americana. Okay, Montreal, Quebec. You guys are so grandiose. So many whores, hookers, ass-halves and rapists, right? We can buy liquor until 2 a.m. in the morning in any state of the union, whether Mormon, Catholic or otherwise. You guys have your balls so pinched up by the Catholic church that at 11 p.m. the corner store guys tell you that they can't sell you beer, that you have to go to a bar. But I don't want to go to a bar. So what if there are girls at the bars? What if I am asexual and just want to stay home, watch porn and drink my beer? Seriously, Canadians, your postal service sucks, your weather is ASS, and you can't sell beer when people want to drink it. So what good are you? Really. You're not even a real country. You don't even have a fuckin' army, you have a peacekeeping force! I honestly hope that your national igloo melts. I'm going to leave this country impregnating as many of your women as I can possibly do before I run back across the border. Try and find me then. Yeah, a fuckin' level three alert, bitch. That's right, orange. [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum