by ALICE AND YANKA

Good day Montreal, is the goddamned drizzle hitting you in the broken face? We have a remezzo for you! Anarkali: a new hot & spicy fucked-up palace right at the corner of Van Horne and Dark Avenue. It's where chaos meets style and style ends up in the gutter, naked, crying for mercy, teeth smashed up and bloodied.

The impeccable waiter trots all the way from the back and gingerly offers us a tiny plate crammed with a mixture of peanuts and assorted wheaty snacks. "Fried angel hair," mutters Alice under her five-day-old moustache. "Nah, it's dehydrated soup," whispers Yanka through a maze of mouldy hair. Of course we're both wrong: it's Bombay snacks! Definitely not something you would enjoy on acid or after a visit to one of the neighbourhood crackhouses - all them little fried particles squirming like an orgy of worms.

We jam the shit in our fast-talking mouths by the teaspoon, warming up to the stuff and foraging into the menu. With no less than 75 sweltering items, such as three samosas for $1, three papadoms for 95 cents, chicken chops (two pieces of fried chicken with salad and rice) for $3.49 and so on, the prices will indeed turn your loonies into 20s. We opt for non-vegetarian thali, mixed assorted appetizers-for-two and dahl soup. The waiter squeals, "Twenty minutes for your food!" and we say, "Ouiiii! And Monsieur?! Can we get some music, too?"

The tie-dye balloons on the floor are going Pow! Pow! as he replies, so we're not quite sure what's heading our way. The space at Anarkali is unusual and endearing, loosely divided into two distinct sections: the front resto and the back party hall with a bile-green party floor. Brass camels, elks and exotic birds are propped here and there; faux grapes dangle from the ceiling, paper guirlandes hang freestyle from the walls, there are plants and a sound system that dates from 1902 with kickass speakers. Hell! The place is all set up for a smashing party - $90 and you'll be barfing all the way back to the idle buffet with your very own bottle of Chivas Regal. Or relieving your bladder in the urinal held together with masking tape.

We're not the only ones smitten with our surroundings, as we gladly share our handsome waiter with two other parties: locals and an orange-snowsuit-clad toddler who talks to his nan bread but refuses to tell us where to go for croissants when Cheskie's is closed on Sabbath. Kids. Ostie. We're so enthralled by the décor we get confused when a heaping plate lands right there on the table, fuming. Mixed appetizers consists of 400 pieces of soft fried chicken on the right side, 400 chunks of onion bhaji on the left side, two samosas and two brown wands, aka the Kebabs. If you need proteins and fat for the winter, you've found it. You'll be set for months. Months of lips dripping with friture oil.

We don't particularly enjoy the samosas so fuck that. But the bahji are real good, though we fancy some dip and politely request a yoghurt-y concoction. We are presented with two tiny cups of sticky, syrupy, vinegar-y chutney. "Yanka, c'est un sirop de prunes au vinaigre!" says Alice. The sterling thali platter barely fits on the table, so huge it is et compartimenté à la TV-Dinner. Here we have mutton & chicken curry with dahl purée, rice and nan. For $3.99 you really can't complain, but we do just a bit amongst ourselves. Once again, it's an oil bath, a bloody oil bath. Dahl soup is fine, bravo to the cooky. Complimentary dessert comes screaming along in the form of seeds and crystal meth rocks. Clou de girofle? Anis? Cannelle? Lemongrass? Waiter? It's mint! It's mint! And sugar diamonds! C'est inusité! C'est bon!

Anarkali, c'pas pour les snobs, ostie, and above all no one has to suck the corporate dick to eat there. It's not a crosse because it's cheap, fucking cheap! Our bill: $12.97 tout compris and we left with doggy bags and bursting to the seams. Allelujia.

Anarkali
ADDRESS: 6091 Parc (by Van Horne)
PHONE: 270-7447
HOURS: 11:30AM–11PM everyday
BEST FEATURES: Kebabs and staff
ALCOHOL: Yes
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: A few steps up
VEGETARIAN FRIENDLY: Yes
CREDIT CARDS: Cash only
PRICE: Cheap
RATING: *** out of ****