M This is a message for all of those people talking back and forth about punk music and punk rock. I have one thing to say. You guys would like to think that your shit don't stink but it does. Don't you guys get it? Your thing is over! Sex, drugs and rock and roll, it's over. OVER. Our thing has begun, your thing is ended. And you just have to come to terms with that. We have better music than you. DJ CULTURE is here to stay. Stop talking about punk music because nobody gives a fuck but you. [BLEEP!]

M What's goin' on, Rant Line™? What's up? What's up? This is a message for all the people going to afterhours clubs. Stop. Don't do it. Think about your children. The music is just whack. The hip hop is so fake, it's incredible. It's not hip hop - there's no positive messages in the music. Short Cut is the stupidest DJ out there. The techno and electronic is so commercial, it just sucks. Sona is whack. The women are superficial. Aria, the gangstas in the hip hop room, man, you look at them and they be like 'What? What? What?' It's like, I got two eyes, I can look wherever I want. Man, I'm just babbling on this rant but, seriously, someone's gotta say something! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I'm calling about the DKD group of labels and the studio they're backing. Somebody should go in and check out the graveyard of bands that DKD has buried and that lay stacked in piles in the back of his office. Talk about all these studios that are applying for money right now and the underground bands that get turned down for all the Factor grants and how all of this money goes to these big labels and how it's all written off. Bands work so hard and they APPLY FOR GRANTS every year and they get rejection letters to go into the studio, to do live shows, to do workshops. It's chaos and the money for that studio should be spread among artists so they can pick a fucking studio of their choice and work with their friends and then they can blow this fucking city up. Ah man, DKD are wolves in sheep's clothing - awooooooooooooo! [howling like wolf] [BLEEP!]

F CHOM plays REAL ROCK but they must be trying to ruin it for me because all they do is play the same tracks over and over again. Why does mainstream radio do this to us? Surely, CHOM can afford to play more than the same three Led Zeppelin tracks all the time!? Is there a demand for this boring lack of musical diversity? Does anyone know? It's depressing. On a lighter note, CKUT and CISM play a lot of really good stuff. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to whatever monkey is in charge of the roads in Montreal. If I was Doctor Penfield or a member of his family I wouldn't want my name on that sign because the whole street needs a face lift. I just fucked up the transmission, the suspension and the alignment on my car. They could at least put up a little sign up saying DUMPY ROAD or SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Please do something about our roads, our craters, because I can't afford this anymore. [BLEEP!]

M I don't know if any of you are familiar with this interesting youth show called The Ex Factor . It's pretty cool. I'm a bit old to be watching it and, in particular, I'm a bit old to be getting turned on by the chick in that show, that little Sally chick who's pretty hot. I was just wondering if people think it's wrong for me to pleasure myself while I'm watching it. If anybody has any thoughts, please let me know. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. Can somebody please tell Debbie Marcellos from the radio station 940 News to stop using the word NIL to describe a hockey score of 1-nothing or 2-nothing or 3-nothing. Nil is only reserved for soccer, not for hockey. [BLEEP!]

M I know the current popular topic is about gentrification and the displacement of poor people but I was just in the laundromat on St-Viateur and I felt like I was in a Diesel ad. Everybody was fashionably undernourished and their jeans were, like, around their knees and it gets you wondering: don't these people have other people to do their laundry for them? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, hi, this rant is for that nasty bitch who's wondering where all the pubic hair be gone. I'll tell you where all the pubic hair be goin', they be goin' down the fucking drain. I'll tell you what, I ain't gonna chew down on your pubic hair. You wanna be a clean girl and you wanna get some dick and you wanna get your pussy eaten: shave your pussy. All right? Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Hey guys, say what you want about women, call us vain or whatever. In the end, who's still chasing us, wanting us, needing us and fucking our brains out? You!! [BLEEP!]

Next issue: Open forum