by JOHNSON CUMMINS

Q: What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians? A: A drummer.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? A: You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

Q: How do you get a drummer to get off of your porch? A: Pay for the pizza.

Drummers never seem to get the respect that they truly deserve. Hell, even bass players rate better on the musician food chain. All that work on their paradiddling and rat-a-tatting or whatever they do ends up in vain. They're relegated to the back end of a dark stage, staring at the singer's ass all night.

Finally, the drummer's day has dawned. The human metronome is finally being elevated into that elusive but rightful place, front and centre in the spotlight, basking in the glory. In what sounds like one part Canadian Idol and one part the biggest sausage party since Dream Theatre's last concert, the Drummer Kombat series brings the principles of boxing to drumming, with nary a bass player or singer's ass in sight.

What's this? Boxing and drumming, you say? Here's the skinny: two drummers will square off behind two kits in opposite ends of a real boxing ring (one red kit and one blue - cute, huh?) and try to out-paradiddle, out-triplet and out-pound each other. Both heavyweight hitters are also allowed a coach and cut man in their corner if they want (y'know, like in boxing).

The two drummers will go toe to toe on the skins for five rounds, which are broken up into 15-second spurts of soloing. At the end of each round, the two drummers will slug it out in a simultaneous, 20-second, teeth-rattling knockdown bout of snare rolls, double kick-drums and (probably) horrible, quasi-orgasmic facial expressions. The winners will take home over $35,000 in prizes, all told, but only one will get the honour of wearing the belt of the champion drummer.

The judges' decisions will make up 60 per cent of the vote, while audience participation will make up the remainder. Out of the 127 people who auditioned, only 84 were deemed worthy of the competition at the weigh-in. I talked to the Don King of this kooky throwdown, Patrick Gagnon (who strangely enough doesn't play drums himself), and asked him just how the hell he thought up this nutty Leon Spinks-meets-Gene Krupa thing. "It's important for me to have a concept that has never been done before," says Gagnon. "I'm not a guy who would buy a Tim Hortons franchise when I can make my own donuts. The idea just made sense because I think the real attractive part of Drummer Kombat is that it's not just a show for drummers. It's fun for everybody, because we are putting on a show and trying to entertain and at the same time show what great talent we have here in Montreal."

Drummer Kombat 2004 takes place every Wednesday night at Foufones Électriques, from Jan. 28 to May 5. For registration info, go to www.drummerkombat.com

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