Dear Sasha: My current lover shoots loads of liquid all over the bed. This was mind-blowingly exciting at first, but now it's getting gross - not the ejaculating, but my mattress. I mean it, towels are no match for this woman, and we tried garbage bags, but they're uncomfortable and just shift and get all bunched up. I asked her how she's dealt with it in the past (we do most of our fucking chez moi because of the roommate issue), and she said that this is a fairly recent occurrence, as is sex in general, so she has no great ideas. Any hot tips? » Wet and Weary

Dear Wet,
There are a few routes you can take. One would be to look into mattress pads for urinary incontinence, available at most pharmacies, as well as André Viger locations.

The thing that I am going to recommend, though, is that you order yourself some Luv Linens (www.luvlinens.com). This product is nothing short of extraordinary. Honestly, nobody who comes buckets should be without one. You plop it down like a picnic blanket over your bed sheets, sofa, carpet, or back seat, and away you go. It is totally machine washable and dryer safe, it stays put, it's as soft as flannel and it comes in kicky prints like leopard and rose petal. I got a leopard print one, and even after some intense and sloppy sex, I poured two litres of water on the thing and it sucked it all up. It was just as absorbent after I washed and dried it too.

Luv Linens also makes a disposable version called Luv Liners, which I wasn't so keen on trying because they smell like baby powder and look like giant flattened out diapers, which are, so far anyway, not my bag. I asked my neighbour to take them for a spin, prefaced by the very neighbourly question, "You wouldn't happen to be dating anyone who ejaculates right now, would you?" As luck would have it, she was, and agreed to a trial. Apparently, "The diaper smell calms down if you leave them open to air for awhile." She enjoyed the soft lining, "Comfy, if you can ignore the constant crinkly sound," (the washable ones don't crinkle, by the way), and also found them exceptionally absorbent, "Lots of cum and pee, and surprisingly trapping." Pee too? Good times!

Dear Sasha: I work in a cubicle-style office and, I admit, find myself somewhat more enlightened than some of my co-workers. I'm particularly irked by this one woman in my vicinity who fills her cubicle with nonsensical items like plaques that contain lame poetry about soulmates and puppies and such. It's 9:45 a.m., and I'm just about to demolish the place and crack her over the head with her dumb ideals. Soulmates. Sheeet. Why aren't I allowed to put up my "I'm a Big Slutty Faggot" plaque, or my "Soulmates Are Bullshit" one? » Gimme My Lunch Break Now

Dear Gimme,
I'm right there with you on all the soulmate crap, but try to be a little more magnanimous. By most definitions, enlightened people don't punch out people who think differently than they do. For Pete's sake, the woman has plaques in her cubicle. When was the last time you bought a plaque to convey or express your convictions? When you were 12 and hangin' in there?

If you choose to openly express your opinions on these matters, look at it from a more humane perspective. One reason people like the soulmate theory is that we as humans don't seem to particularly enjoy randomness (see: monotheism). We like to believe there is some order to things (see: cubicles). It's really scary for some people to live without some hope for fulfillment through one relationship with one person who was chosen by one universal force just for them (see… puppies?). I'd hit a bathhouse on my lunch break if I were you and chill the fuck out.

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