M So what about downloading music from the Internet? They're already charging us a tax on blank CDs and now they want to charge us again because the businessmen want to grab all the money from everybody. They want to grab every cent from us so we all become SLAVES again. So they can get blowjobs whenever they want! So they can get their asses licked whenever they want!! So they can cum on somebody whenever they want, so they can MURDER people whenever they want. Yes, this is what the rich people want. This is what the municipal mergers are all about. So we all become one step closer to becoming slaves, so we have no rights, so we have no voice. Okay? [BLEEP!]

M Yo Montreal, how you doing? This is like an anti-rant. I love Montreal. Do you know why I love Montreal? Because Montreal has the most beautiful women with the most BEAUTIFUL BUTTS. And goddamn, man, I've been in Toronto and it sucks out there. Do you know why? Because girls out there, it's all about GAME. They play with your fuckin' head. The girls in Montreal, man, you meet some chick in some bar or some shit, you tell her she's got a nice butt, and instead of slapping you across the face she goes, "Thanks, do you really think I have a nice butt?" And I be like, "Yeah, baby, I love your ass, your ass is the best ass I've ever seen in Montreal, and that's really telling you something because there are so many fuckin' beautiful butts in Montreal, baby. Yeah." Anyway, peace out. [BLEEP!]

M We are CARTOONISTS. We are watching Cheech and Chong's Nice Dreams. We are wondering why the Freak Brothers movie has not come out. Rant. [ BLEEP!]

M I've got to laugh at the soup kitchen punk who was predicting that there is going to be a REBELLION soon. Well, I've got some words for you: beware of the false prophets. And that goes out to all you people who are readers of this magazine and believe quotes from people only trying to sell you their rock 'n' roll records. Hoping that you keep your TEENAGE FANTASIES alive. Anyway, I work in soup kitchens, I smile at punks like you everyday. I want to be part of your new revolution. But read your history - throughout the ages there have always been those who are less fortunate than others. You're one of them, that's true, but you've got a good back, you've got a strong arm. Yet you're not a particular productive radical. If you look through history you will see that most of the radical changes in this world have come from productive people. Not people like you sitting on their sorry asses telling the rest of us that we have nothing to complain about! Why don't you go to China, where anything with its back to the sun is considered FOOD. You'd be dead meat there, boy. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, you know what happens when you're a BEAUTIFUL DRUNKEN FOOL who dates a famous gay artist for four years and you dump him? You get nothing! No alimony, no support, no anything! And on top of that, he steals all your friends and you're left out in the cold. So there it is. Don't date any famous gay artists, anybody, because they will only leave you hanging out to dry. [BLEEP!]

M Hey yeah, I've been trying to get the Rant Line™ to publicize my PUBLIC CIRCLE JERK for what seems like forever now. I want to get as many guys and girls as possible to show up at the gazebo on Mount Royal across from Jeanne-Mance Park the Sunday after this gets printed at 11:30 p.m. and we can all sit around in the dark and whack off. Nobody has to touch each other, but we all have to touch ourselves. Now I already know about three hot chicks who want to do this, and about four or five guys who regularly do this. So why don't we just get the thing happening, get it out of the way once and for all, and that way the Rant Line™ can get back to ranting about the Montreal music scene. And by the way, Tupac is still alive, he's one of Santa's elves at the mall. Thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M What happened to the MASTURBATING FROGS? I was looking at Ogilvy's awesome annual Christmas display window and the masturbating frogs are missing! I called Ogilvy's and they couldn't give me a direct answer as to where they are. They said that it's not the same display as last year but I think they are hiding something. I loved those frogs! I've enjoyed them for years, they represent liberty and freedom! Does anybody know what happened to them? Did some overly sensitive idiot from Toronto complain and make Ogilvy's remove them because they found them offensive? Did their dicks fall off after over 50 years of jerking off watching all the cute Québécois girls smiling at them? Do frogs even have dicks? If anyone knows please call the Rant Line™ right away. Merry Christmas. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum