by KRISTIAN GRAVENOR

As my New(s) Year's gift to you, I give you a head start on the local headlines you can expect to see in the upcoming year.

Hookers charged with racial discrimination A shameful secret of our demi-monde is that escorts routinely slam the door on any client they deem overly endowed, melanin-wise, that is. It's something a few denounce, including Anik (www.escortanik.com), who writes, "I started in the business answering phones for one agency and of the 16 girls that rotated in shifts, maybe three or four would see Middle-Eastern guys." She then became a rare non-racist escort at another agency. "I was extremely busy because none of the other girls would see these guys. They thought I did it because I was new. They'd warn me how ‘bad' these clients were, rough, rude or even abusive. But I have had nothing but super times with these guys, except only one time. A guy was upset because I had brought four condoms for a one-hour date. He broke all of them and then was mad because he thought I was trying reject him." Anik estimates that 70 per cent of escorts routinely practice racism, which is a violation of Articles 10 and 12 of the Quebec Charter of Rights. I predict a spurned client (perhaps even a lesbian refused service by a female escort) will complain about this in 2004.

Plastic pollution backlash Sad photos of animals trapped in discarded plastic bags will spark a world-wide uproar and cause us to rethink our compulsion to use countless bags for a few minutes and then toss them into a landfill where they'll endure for thousands of years. Biodegradable plastic bags will take off and more shoppers will start bringing their own giant backsacks shopping and reject the unfriendly plastic.

Workers in spy bracelets Weird though this might seem, Montreal technicians have been developing an electronic bracelet that would not only allow employers to know the exact whereabouts of a worker but would also record exact statistics on the way he used his arm. For example, the gizmo would record the number of times a construction worker swung a hammer during a shift, or the total keystrokes performed by a data entry clerk. An embedded GPS would also help track those with the long-cherished local tradition of disappearing during their shift. Managers will promote the spy bracelets as a progressive tool to stop workers from working too hard and sustaining injury, but it won't wash. Look for them to strap 'em on workers in Third World sweatshops.

Hells spectacular jailbreak When you're the filthy rich top dog in the sex and drugs industry, chances are that your plans don't involve spending the next 24 years in prison. Maurice "Mom" Boucher, 49, is scheduled to stay behind bars until age 73, but I see a daring prison escape involving exploding a wall, decoy helicopters with rope ladders, a tunnel to a secret underground plastic surgery clinic and a ticket to Brazil.

Presbyterians shut Quebec operations With the notable exception of hell'n'brimstone evangelicals like the Baptists, Protestants of all stripes are in a freefall in Quebec and none are declining as fast as the Church of Scotland. John Calvin's faith offers predestined salvation for a lucky few and requires adherents to work hard and shun ostentation. It's a recipe that helped lay a lot of bricks but doesn't call out to the party people of the new millennium. Expect its sad decline to continue unabated. I always figured that Presbyterianism could have been a lot bigger had cheapskate parliamentary Presbyters not tried to gyp the soldiers of Cromwell's New Model Army in 1648.

Local fans steal time machine Professor Ronald Mallett of the University of Connecticut at Storrs has made progress inventing a time machine by manipulating gravity, a feat accomplished by trapping light in a crystal. Expect to see Montreal sports fans steal the prototype and attempt to undo Blue Monday, the Chelios and LeClair trades, the latest trouncing, etc.

Comments? kgravy@openface.ca