Bad brains

The newest from the noggin of demento designer Todd McFarlane is the Twisted Land of Oz, a wretched retelling of the L. Frank Baum novel and classic film The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. His second monster series after Spawn, this line features Dorothy bound, gagged and being mutilated by malevolent Munchkins, along with an utterly unneutered Toto recast as a hairy steed. Our Black Christmas mascot is the evil, off-kilter, Scarecrow, armed with a detachable scythe. $15.99 at Legends Action Figures. (SM)

Dial-a-perv

Banned from gym locker rooms for the ease at which you can use it to create unauthorized cock and crack shots, the Sony Ericsson T306 GSM camera phone is a voyeur's dream. You look like you're checking your text messages, but really you're uploading images to your sleazy Internet friends from the built-in, hi-res, zoom-equipped colour video camera. A high-tech phone in other respects as well, it plays polyphonic ringtones and even includes Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 game, for when you're not violating peoples' rights to privacy. $199–$399, depending on contract from Rogers AT&T Wireless. (MC)

Oral fixation

Madonna couldn't quite pull it off, but this accessory just might be the perfect gift for that friend who desperately wants to be a badass. Nothing says "yo-yo-yo, go pimp yourself" like this gold tooth cap, which comes in its own case, and easily pops on and off. Put your bling bling where your mouth is for $10 at Urban Outfitters, 1250 Ste-Catherine W. (SM)

Night frights

Though he's become huge for his sci-fi masterpiece American Gods and his superbly frightening children's novel, Coraline, Neil Gaiman was once just a simple comic book cult figure. Endless Nights (Vertigo/DC Comics) marks Gaiman's return to his lushly cerebral Sandman series. This graphic novel, gorgeously illustrated by the top comic book artists currently working, tells stories about the Sandman's siblings: Delirium, Destruction and Despair, to name a few. $37.95 at local bookstores. (JW)

Nippy tucky

From shoes to gloves to bags, it's no secret that perforated leather is in. Now finally U-bahn has the sense to bring that dotted leather look to the piece that has become a staple in everyman's closet: the lace-up tit flasher shirt. From casual strolls in the park to high-powered business meetings, the men's tit-flasher has become as ubiquitous as the wool turtleneck or peek-a-boo PVC biker shorts. Possibly the only clothing item to ever pose the question "Why do men have nipples?" $250, 1285 Amherst. (RK)

Poker faces

This "carefully stacked deck" from Project Pretzel offers head shots of all your favourite suits in suits from the White House administration. Bush cards include duct tape booster Tom Ridge as the cracker jack of hearts, while VP Dick Cheney's vital stats are listed on the Ace of Clubs. Advisor Karl Rove, FBI director Robert Mueller, Enron CEO Kenneth Lay also join Dubya himself, the Ace of Spades. $6.95 (U.S.) online at www.bushcards.com. (SM)

Spaghetti with balls

Sergio Leone fans will draw their guns and yell "Yeeee-ha!" when you pack this two-disc set in their stocking. Once Upon a Time in the West, Leone's operatic '68 follow-up to his Dollars trilogy is a shocker with loads of vile killings in it. What's truly surprisingly nasty about this movie is the casting of Henry Fonda against type. The actor was iconic for his all-American niceness - until this film, where he plays a shockingly evil character. $14.99 at Metro Video (977 Ste-Catherine W., under Simon's). (MH)

Scary stories

Unlike Harry Potter, The Unfortunate Events series has never quite generated an adult audience. The miserable fate of the Baudelaire orphans still seems to appeal mostly to kids. This is probably because adults have yet to discover how hilarious Tim Curry is as the narrator of the audio series. He may have peaked in the last installment #9, The Carnivorous Carnival, but he won't disappoint in the recently released A Series of Unfortunate Events #10: The Slippery Slope (Harper Collins) $39.95 at local bookstores. (JW)

Pushing buttons

Here's something that'll really give you a buzz. Sewn into the crotch lining of these faux-leather panties is a little vibrating motor like the one that makes your celphone rumble. It's controlled by a remote control discretely disguised as a pager. That remote can be in the hands of the wearer or a trustworthy someone from up to 20 feet away. About $100 at most sex shops. (MC)

Snow in sight

These foil snowboard goggles are designed for the most badass riders on the slopes. Available in such menacing sounding colours as "Jet Oxide" and "Gunmetal" the sleek proto-gothic look would befit the dastardliest of Bond villains. Dragon Optical is known for durability, comfort and maximum peripheral vision, plus their unique Flotech air flow system will have you seeing clearly as you leave other foggy riders behind. $144 and up at Diz, 8 Westminster. (RK)

Going to pieces

Though a big fan of Wrebbit's delightfully kitschy 3-D puzzles of international landmarks like Big Ben and the Eiffel Tower, the tackiness has gone a bit too far - even by our standards - with their latest series inspired by cutesy painter Thomas Kinkade. The set of Hallmarkesque houses, a gazebo and even a lighthouse ("Light of Peace") allow children of all ages to put together mawkish villages that will undoubtedly inspire diabetic comas. $15-$35 at the Bay or www.wrebbit.com. (MH)

The Mirror Gift Guide coordinated by SARAH MUSGRAVE.
By MICHAEL CITROME, MATTHEW HAYS, RAF KATIGBAK, SARAH MUSGRAVE and JULIET WATERS.