Dear Sasha: I am a 31 year old married to the father of my children, and we have been together 13 years. Recently we discussed the possibility of expanding our sexual repertoire by including another person. I'm open to the idea, but I wouldn't want to just introduce another body - I feel that sex is a spiritual as well as physical act, and wouldn't want to use a person simply for their genitalia.

I recently met a woman online with whom I've developed an intense relationship. Neither of us was looking for this and it has taken us both by surprise. Now we're discussing the possibility of meeting and taking things further. We're extremely physically attracted to each other (we've exchanged several pictures), and our mutual fondness keeps growing. We've both described our feelings as some kind of love - although not any kind we've ever felt before.

I had never been attracted to women at all prior to meeting this one, nor did I even fantasize about it. This situation doesn't fit into any socially accepted or widely practised relationship type that I'm aware of, so I'm finding it difficult to gauge it by any standards that I'm familiar with. My husband and online friend are totally aware of each other and have spoken on occasion. It really is something the three of us want to explore because so far it's done nothing but bring benefits to all concerned. We just want to be aware of pitfalls, if there are any. » KS

Dear KS,
Actually, it does fit into one of the most widely practised models in the world: polygamy, a standard that's socially recognized in many places with exceptional variety.

Despite this, many people in established open relationships - especially where the prevailing standard is monogamy - don't have the benefit of a culturally acceptable model. This actually works in your favour. It means that some experienced individuals have done their own research into the matter, rather than relying on institutions like the Catholic Church (will someone please fucking tell me how someone who has vowed to be celibate is in any way qualified to counsel people in intimate relationships) to advise them on the way things should be. Admittedly, traditional marriage counselling has done wonders for some, but there are also accomplished and articulate polygamists you can turn to for excellent advice as well.

It looks like you guys have really developed something worth negotiating here, and I bet your trepidation is mostly about stepping into the unknown, but look at how well you're doing already. You all seem to be communicating beautifully, you have certain standards you want met, and you're meeting them. The lines are open, just be prepared to be flexible. I recommend a personal meeting, with parameters established - like maybe no sex on the first date to take the pressure off - and see how you all feel about each other offline.

I also suggest you look into books and magazines about polyamoury. One I always recommend and adore is called Lesbian Polyfidelity by the eloquent Celeste West, but you may have trouble finding it because it's out of print (I actually just called Booklegger, the publisher, in a state of near-hysteria). There is one interview in this book with a couple, Jeffrey Anne and Kate, that's just about the most illuminating piece about a relationship you'll ever read. As Jeffrey Anne quotes Oscar Wilde, "The chains of marriage are heavy and it takes two to carry them - sometimes three." Sarah, one of the owner/workers at Come As You Are and Venez Tels Quels (5427 St-Laurent), also recommends a magazine they carry called Loving More, which comes out bi-monthly and includes essays and anecdotes from polyamourists. You may also subscribe to it online at www.lovemore.com and have it delivered to your home.

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