by CHRIS BARRY

Name: Derek Isaac

Age: 31

Occupation: Doorman/bouncer/bartender

Bio: A fixture in the Gay Village for over a decade, this legendary cocksmith stands at 6-foot-2 "without heels" and weighs in at a strapping 235 pounds. A former "big time juvenile delinquent" who spent a nice chunk of his youth locked up in a maximum security detention centre for young offenders, Derek currently works at Stud but at one time or another has been employed by practically every major gay bar in the 'hood. A sexual dynamo who claims to have sex "at least once a day, sometimes three times, and twice so far today," he will soon be profiled swinging his sizeable meat around on the Showcase television program Kink.

Something that won't help you get you into a club he's working: Bribery. "When people try to slip me money it actually pisses me off. Like, what the fuck do you think I am, man, fuck you! Sometimes these people walk up to the door like they are all the shit, right, and what I like to do is break them down: ‘Fuck you, you're nobody, go away.' You see them in front of their friends going, ‘Watch this, I'm going to slip the doorman a 20 or whatever.' But I don't think so. I just say, ‘Uh, excuse me, are you on the guest list? No? Well, okay, bye bye.'"

Something he doesn't like about many doormen: How quickly they can resort to violence. "If you just take that extra five minutes to talk to people you can usually kick them out without incident. That's always the best thing to do. If you get violent straight off, it tends to upset the other customers and they leave the bar afterwards."

Something he hates: Admission policies that discriminate against chicks. "I think these rules are absolutely fuckin' stupid."

Should one be inclined towards a fulfilling evening of beating up innocent people in the Village because of their sick and disgusting sexual orientation, would Derek be a good person to start with? Probably not. Fluent in the martial arts, a teenage wrestling champ and an experienced street fighter, Derek was recently attacked in the Village by three hoodlums calling him "a fuckin' faggot" and looking to steal his wallet.

Did he defend himself by threatening to hit the bullies over the head with his purse? Not exactly. "I put my keys into my knuckles and hit one guy right in the throat, and he dropped. And then I started fighting with the other two guys, but eventually they ran off. I'm not really one to back down, you know? That's the thing with a lot of straight guys, they think that because we're gay we're submissive and all effeminate and we're going to back down. But, like, fuck you in your fuckin' face, pal."

Favourite film of all time: The Black Stallion.

Last book read: Travels in Hyperreality, by Umberto Eco.

Musical preferences: The Cramps, Ramones, Blondie.

Words of wisdom: "Sometimes you've got to stop and smell the roses, but make sure no one kicks you in the ass on the way down."

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca