Dear Sasha: I've been in a committed relationship for about four years now. Recently my girlfriend and I began looking for ways to rejuvenate our love life. Upon my suggestion, we went to several sex shops. We were both highly aroused by the prospect of procuring our first toy, so vibrators and dildos topped the list of possible purchases. However, the ear-to-ear grin I had as I gleefully skipped out of the sex shop, just aching to get home and unwrap our new dildo, soon faded as I realized my girlfriend shared only a fraction of my enthusiasm. Her tone shifted from excited and curious to reticent and defensive, an attitude that changed little when we actually introduced the toy into our routine.

It has been many months since the initial experimentation and we have tried the toy a dozen or so times during this period. I thought she might warm up to the idea after she got past the "getting to know it" phase, but unfortunately she has not, and her adverse experience has led her to both despise our toy and reject the idea of trying another. This has left me feeling not only insecure about my fantasies but emotionally disconnected from her. What should I do? I can't ignore my desires, neither can I force them on her. Am I being deluded and selfish to think that with time and effort that she might be persuaded to give it another shot? » Dreaming of Dildos

Dear Dreaming,
Your girlfriend is clearly wrestling with the kind of feeling that penetration with a dildo is provoking in her, and, judging by her ferocious response, it's something that may have involved a deeply negative experience. I'm all for getting to the bottom of things, but you have an agenda, which is getting that darn dildo in her. For someone having problems with this, your compassionate yet coercive eagerness is going to be additionally repelling.

Perhaps you're confused by your girlfriend's initial enthusiasm, but let me try to explain where that might come from. Women - and men - are exposed to a lot of versions of sexual liberation these days, be it through gentle, well-intentioned sources like sex-positive stores or flaw concocting women's magazines. Many women sublimate this in a competitive way. There's no way you can get away with being non-orgasmic, disinterested, put off. It's your time, sister! You go girl! Power to your pussy! Etc. Where does that leave women who are struggling with negative sex feelings that might have unpredictable triggers, like, say, a phallic item being forced on them in a wheedling manner that, by virtue of what it is, has implications of detachment? A bit railroaded, I'd say. Your girlfriend was probably trying to be a sport, trying to ignore her own misgivings or even explore them in a positive way, and you well, speaking of sex-positivity, were just trying to help, trying to be open to new possibilities. A festival of good intentions gone awry.

Don't ever forget that peoples' sex lives began long before you came along, sometimes long before they were ready for them to begin, sometimes with very painful consequences. You guys are obviously invested in this relationship - it's been four years after all. I think you should leave the toy be, and maybe give her some agency in the matter, even if that means some time to not talk about it, and not have to explain her feelings in detail. Let her come out of her corner with a bit of space.

Dear Sasha: I'm a female, wondering what the proper procedure is for shaving the pubic region in order to avoid infection and irritation. » A.T.

Dear A,
I have long admired the flawless bikini line of my friend Michelle, who swears by a product called Tend Skin, also used by men of colour to deter razor burn and ingrown hairs. Michelle applies it to the freshly shaven area three times a day for 24 hours, with excellent results. As for the shaving itself, you are supposed to shave with the growth, not against it, but I never do that and the only time I've had trouble with a rash is in the sweltering heat. Mind you, I can't say I'm unhappy that the whole PVC pants thing is on the decline.

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