F I never thought I would ever say this, but people, you've gotta check out CHOM FM on Sunday nights! Yeah, I know what you're all thinking. But seriously, they're playing real rock 'n' roll on that station - probably for the first time in their history. Little Steven from Springsteen, man, the dude spins everything from the Count Five to the MC5 to the Stones to the Fleshtones to the Strokes, the best shit I've ever heard on the radio ever! On fuckin' CHOM FM, the shittiest radio station ever!! Fuckin' weird but true. So get your heads out of your asses and listen up, because for two hours a week, CHOM rocks! [BLEEP!]

M Yo, on Saturday, in front of Saphir, my boy gets STABBED. The whole street is full of cops. Not a single cop comes to check it out. Whole thing takes 20 minutes. Not a single police. Fucking TV and ambulance were there before they were. This is a message to the police of Montreal, you suck. He's been in the hospital for four days now and still nobody coming up as far as an inquiry or nothing. This is embarrassing. Embarrassing! Apparently these guys were running around stabbing a few people that night - at Angel's, Bifteck and right there at Saphir. If you guys are reading this - and I know you are - shit, man, we got leads all over the place. You guys are fucking MEAT. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the West Island resident who's now living on the Plateau. I've been living in downtown Montreal my whole life, man, and let me tell you something - if La Chango Family is what you consider Montreal is all about, man, go back to the West Island. Because all they are is a bunch of yuppie GYPSY WANNABES who wear $800 skirts. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

F For the person praising La Chango Family. If you actually look at how most of the people in La Chango Family live, they're not exactly living what they're singing about. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the former West Islander. Oh my God, the Chango Family are terrible! They're such a band of poseurs. Of course they sing in all of those languages - because they want so much to succeed. Oh my God, I can't believe it. That's not a rant you left, man, that's SHEER PUBLICITY. You're such a poseur, I hope you die. Goodbye. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, just ranting to let you guys know about this Sunday night thing going down at the Jello. They got a variety show going on down there, it's great. They got all kinds of stuff - burlesque, striptease, theatre, dance, CARD TRICKS, music, rabbits comin' out of hats. It's the wildest thing. Anyone can come on down. And you get FREE DRINKS if you get up onstage and do your thing. I was down there last weekend and I had a really great time. A really great time! I laughed my ass off! The variety show to end all variety shows. All right! [BLEEP!]

M I saw that movie Kill Bill and I saw this Japanese girl band and then I remembered the Frank Chickens, who I haven't thought about for 12 or 15 years. I would love to see the Frank Chickens again, but I don't think I ever will. Is anybody doing anything like that in Montreal right now? I wanna know. [BLEEP!]

M Listen, my car got smashed up at the MEDLEY RIOT, and it's not gonna be covered by insurance. So I'm gonna have to buy a new car. And the next time there's gonna be a punk concert in this town, sadly there's gonna be a lot of police presence. How much fun is that gonna be? CHAOS does not rule. Bye-bye. [BLEEP!]

M For the person who needs a tattoo parlour that does Jewish symbols, Jewish lettering: Tatouage West on Rachel Street does. I've seen work with Jewish lettering in it. I don't know if they know the exact alphabet, but you should go talk to them. Go talk to Vince or Stacie or Vero. They're all really chill and they'd be more than willing to help you out. [BLEEP!]

M No, but seriously now, are all the chicks who do Internet dating lying sacks of shit or what? [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the guy who's having trouble smoking in public places. I just wanted to call and tell you that I can totally relate to you, man. See, I'm a CHRONIC MASTURBATOR and I have to masturbate in public and I see a lot of parallels between you and I. Both of the things we do are highly addictive, they're all about self-gratification, and we totally don't care about all the people around us. Why should I have to jerk off in the rain in front of a bus shelter when I could be inside the shelter if the pricks inside weren't so sensitive. Maybe we should set up some kind of a support group for people with problems like ours, you know? For people who just don't care about the people around them and have to please themselves. I'm looking forward to hearing back from you, man. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum