by GABRIEL MORENCY

What's kicking Montreal? Let's do this thing media takeover style! Listeners of our radio program are aware that we have been critical of the city's print media in the past, so as the saying goes, if you want something done right do it your freaking self! I want to thank the suits at the Mirror for putting Quebecor's money where our mouths are and proving that either the Mirror has money to burn or the braintrust really are drunk all the time.

Random Rage

Ready for another season of The Don's weekly sermons, Bob Cole's butchered pronunciations and ripped-up Mise tickets that were just a freaking empty net goal away from hitting big? Hockey is back and so is Bob Gainey, who returns messiah-like to resurrect a Montreal Canadiens hockey club that has missed the playoffs four times in the last five years.

The club didn't exactly have a summer to remember, from the arrest of Theo's family to Gainey calling the Brisebois Bashers "gutless bastards." While the Habs faithful don't expect a 25th Stanley Cup parade any time soon, anything short of a playoff appearance will probably mean the end for head coach Claude Julien. Julien is a good guy, a smart hockey man who just happens to be a dead freaking ringer for the beer drinking, wife-beater-shirt-wearing dude on King of the Hill. Julien's biggest problem is that he is in the last year of his contract and isn't one of Gainey's "guys." He does not need to be told that new GMs usually mean new coaches and with the hiring of Doug Jarvis in Hamilton, Julien has about as much job security as a late night dep worker in Pointe St-Charles.

As hard as it is to believe, the Canadiens missed the playoffs last year by only six points. With a healthy Sheldon Souray, a pissed-off Jose Theodore and some youngsters who want to prove that they belong (Ribeiro, Ward, Ryder), there is some hope in an Eastern Conference that isn't exactly known as a group of death. The Canadiens obviously won't win their division, but if they can stay healthy a seventh or eighth place finish in the Conference sounds about right, or at least the dude from King of the Hill hopes so.

Wild West, Suffocating East

Colorado lost Patrick Roy to retirement but got Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne via free agency, giving them arguably the greatest team ever assembled on paper, even with David Aebischer between the pipes. Detroit lost Sergei Fedorov to the Ducks but got Dominik Hasek's rollerblading/assaulting ass back from retirement, and also signed hard-nosed defenceman Derian Hatcher away from Dallas. Meaning that the Wings and Avs are both more stacked than Anna Nicole Smith and most likely will meet in late May with a trip to the finals on the line.

Back east, Martin Brodeur may not be the best husband in the league but he clearly is the best backstop and the Devils are still the team to beat. Pat Burns won't get complacent with last year's Cup victory and the Devils' system suffocates even the league's most talented clubs.

Mountain Mayhem

It's all good for the Montreal Alouettes, who have clinched their division title and continue to sell out every game. My only question is, why in the hell do they risk Anthony Calvillo to injury? Isn't that why they have backup QBs? Let freaking Blitz take the snaps if that's what it takes. Don Matthews is smart guy who should know better but Don doesn't know the word half-assed and that's why a man's greatest strength is also his greatest weakness. Let's hope it doesn't come back and burn them.

Consensus Stanley Cup Odds
Detroit: 4-1; Colorado: 4-1; New Jersey: 6-1; Ottawa: 8-1; Toronto: 14-1; Montreal 50-1.
Morency's Ice Picks
East: Ottawa; West: Colorado. Long Shots: Vancouver at 10-1; Tampa Bay at 20-1.
Week's Best Bets
Thursday, October 9: Ottawa over Montreal
Saturday, October 11: Toronto over Montreal, Edmonton over Vancouver.

Sports Rage with Gabriel Morency is vented weeknights 11 p.m.-2 a.m. on TEAM 990 AM. This column appears bi-weekly. Comments: sportsrage@team990.com