Dear Lightening,
People have been known to anally douche with turkey basters and warm water for function and gratification, but Dr. Jack Morin in Anal Pleasure and Health doesn't recommend putting a plastic turkey baster in your ass because of the rough ridges and seams. I called a restaurant equipment store, under the guise of having trouble cleaning my own turkey baster (which I do - I hate trying to get the grease out of the plastic nozzle), and it so happens that there are stainless steel models available that are completely smooth and cost around 15 bucks. Just be careful with it, it is still a very rigid item.
Dear Virgin,
It's tough work being a writer and putting your shit out there. Some people seem hell-bent on misinterpreting you, even people you thought weren't inclined to having jerky knees. An acquaintance once took great offence to my alleged pro-circumcision remarks in one column, when I have never in the history of writing this column, been anything but anti-circumcision. Just to make sure, I asked if perhaps he hadn't read something in, you know, one of the other sex columns. But no, it was mine, he'd just decided to read the word circumcision and freak out at me for being a baby mutilator.
I'm frustrated that all you got out of that particular piece was that we slammed celibacy. Read the column, for fuck's sake - it's actually a little more complex than that.
Elizabeth Abbott is the Dean of Women at Trinity College in Toronto. She is also the author of a fascinating book called A History of Celibacy, and a (very cheerful sounding) celibate herself. I enlisted her help to answer your question.
Abbott says there are undoubtedly tons of studies coming out linking depression with lack of physical intimacy, but, as she points out, "you don't need to have sex to have physical intimacy."
As for the difference between male and female celibacy, Abbott says, "This is a generalization, but it is a true generalization: women tend to want to have sex in relationships, but we live in a culture whereby men can have one night stands more easily. That's not what very many women want; they're not out to get laid. This is definitely a cultural difference, not a biological one. If it was, celibacy would be harder for women because they have more sustained feelings about sex." In other words, the fact that we, in general, tend to approach sex differently would imply that we approach not having it differently too.
Can a person be happy being celibate into their golden years? I've known a few personally, and Abbott says, "Sure why not? I'm sure there are lots of people." Millions of people have chosen or been forced into celibacy through religious circumstances or not getting married or simply being asexual in their orientation. No doubt many people are miserable in this circumstance, but there is a whole segment of our population for which celibacy (just like other sexual choices) is a perfectly satisfying path.
