by ALICE AND YANKA

When you awake meandering through the streets of St-Henri, you might want to check out Café Joe. It’s a carefree little diner that dishes out some mighty fine breakfasts. There can be quite a wait before your food is served, but nobody gives a shit. We like that and just about everything else about Joe’s, so we ate there with our friend Miss Lévesque, on a visit from Lausanne. She was ready to sink her beautiful teeth into some good ol’ Quebec classics, and she was not to be disappointed.

Joe’s is usually crowded until about one, but there are no line-ups—or at least we’ve never seen one, being blind as cops before caffeine hits the bloodstream. And it hit us like a coked-up trucker on his way to the whorehouse it did, since our table was face-to-face with a belching percolator that delivered the entire time. Most of the commotion came from the open kitchen, though, and despite all the orders flying in like bats out of hell, the kitchen staff wasn’t even sweating blood or anything. In fact, John, the dashing cook, took moments here and there to entertain the regulars, who came and went and smoked ’round the counter, perched on old-style stools.

On the menu at Joe’s are the typical eggs-and-sausage deals, plus there’s oatmeal, fresh fruit, pancakes etc. Or you can fill up on sandwiches, salads, burgers, bref: the usual suspects. But what’s so exceptional about Joe’s is its consistency—always very good. And the plates look real nice, too. Even when in full swing, the cooks take the time to make something creative out of your plate. Like toast en eventail, or a butterfly with the sausage.

On our bill was “un oeuf tourné, bacon, pain blanc ($2.50); une assiette de pain doré avec saucisse ($5);” and, for the one who makes nothin’ of time, “un hamburger gourmet Texas” with sauce secrète, piments forts et fromage. The burger vanished within five picoseconds, hot peppers abounding, looking lonely but not alone. Five bucks for all that! There’s nothing much to say about the French toast because it’s the best in town. There’s probably something to say about the one who eats it with the sausage, but we’ll leave that one to Freud and his gang of assholes.

Miss Lévesque, piaffing in anticipation, had the egg. It went something like this: one bite: “Calisse!” One more bite: “Ostie!” She swore during the entire meal, a sure sign of absolute success. And what a reunion it was between our guest and her white sliced bread and margarine. Her final say: “C’est tellement chaleureux ici. En Suisse, c’est avale pis criss ton camp!” What more is there to say, eh?

There’s also a terrasse at Joe’s: two picnic tables set on the street corner for a sweet breeze. And a dim backroom for those who don’t function very well in daylight. This tiny section is unlike anywhere else. There’s a painted mural, a fresco perhaps—reminiscent of a forêt maléfique, with an agglutination of eerie bungalows ready to be set ablaze by the burning sunset. We sit there sometimes, but prefer the front, which is more like a jungle of plants where coffee refills are 10 minutes apart. Joe’s is perfect for people who make no haste and don’t really care to rush-off and do silly things like laundry, or homework, or trimming the fucking lawn.

We wanted to know more about Joe, like what’s his favourite book and the colour of his trunks. But when we asked how we could possibly meet the man, we were told that no one knows for sure whether he exists or not. The joint itself is close to 30 years old, said John, and a young woman who started out as a waitress there now runs it. Joe’s is ideal to linger at when hung over and spent. Let the staff take care of it. Listen to the breakdance on the stereo. Read the propaganda in the papers. Ogle the clients. Die from bliss. Ah! We love Joe’s, we really do.

Café Joe
ADDRESS: 3068 St-Antoine E.
TELEPHONE: 906-1233
HOURS: 8AM–4PM every day
BEST FEATURES: Death by French toast, breakfast for everyone, friendly staff & patrons, beautiful hair man.
ALCOHOL: No
CREDIT CARDS: No
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Yes
CLOSEST METRO: Lionel-Groulx
PRICES: Nothing over $7.75
RATING: **** out of ****