Dear Sasha: I'm nearing 40 and becoming extremely sexually frustrated, which is entirely a problem with myself. Firstly, I've always had difficulty keeping an erection longer than a minute or two at best (with any partner). And secondly, I've always been very confused about something that I think may be the origin of my sexual dysfunction. Here's how it goes: I get incredibly aroused by gay erotica but always fall in love with women with whom I feel very insecure because of you-know-what, so I end up masturbating to gay porn. Out of desperation I tried gay sex many times, and physically it always felt incredibly wrong. I feel like I'm in some sort of vicious circle and that the more time passes, the more any hope for a satisfying sexual life goes down the drain. » Tired and Confused

Dear Tired and Confused,
We are living in the era of sexual self-identification. As grating and precious as this may seem at times, it's also extremely auspicious for those of us who linger around the fringes regarding direction. Some people are vacation bisexuals - they take advantage of local sexual mores (sometimes more lax for tourists) and the lack of proximity that a foreign country provides in order to live this out. Perhaps you're a masturbation bisexual. The idea of sleeping with men turns you on, but tactually speaking, it just doesn't do it for you. Ah, the mind. Ah, the body. Sometimes they're just two ships passing in the night.

It actually sounds to me like you've pretty much got yourself sorted out, you just need to learn how to realistically combine and apply your desires, and I have a very simple solution. Watch gay porn while you're fucking women. Now you have to be conscientious doing this; you can't forget that you're incorporating private fucking time with sharing fucking time. It's fairly common knowledge that many women, both queer and straight, enjoy watching gay pornography. I think if you found yourself a woman who was perceptive and self-aware, you could talk to her about your unique orientation and the two of you could have a lot of fun exploring it together with role-playing, smut and dirty talk.

Many people don't get to see the particulars of their sexual persona played out anywhere ordinary (like mainstream film and TV for example), and when they do, these particulars are often used as traits to imply that the character is a perverted psycho. Or a lame-o who just needs the right guy to de-lesbianize her. And just a tip to casting directors: stop making it Ben Affleck. Daredevil was known as "The Man Without Fear." Affleck also managed, even with the benefit of an oxblood leather body suit, to deprive him of allure.

I get the feeling that if you managed to combine your two interests, it might take care of your erection issue, and I am assuming here that you lose your erection, not that you ejaculate after a minute. Either way, this is not the big, tragic deal manufacturers of anti-premature-ejaculation and pseudo-virility products make it out to be, although I agree it can suck. Don't forget, just like the menstruation industry, these companies rely on an atmosphere of shame, one they've created and continue to fuel, to sell their products. They don't have personal sexual enlightenment in mind.

LOVE BITS

Congratulations to George, the editor of Bookninja.com, who was the first of a few to come up with the term "hornestly" when characterizing the horny/earnest sensation one might feel while watching anti-porn documentaries in film and/or women's studies classes. George has won himself a pair of handmade pasties from the Continental Pasty Company (proprietor Sasha Van Bon Bon), and insisted on tassels "long enough to swing." Okay, George, but don't say I didn't warn you: once you learn to spin 'em you can say goodbye highbrow and hello whoredom.

Got any questions for Sasha? Write her at
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