F What’s up, Montreal? I went to the Perfect Circle concert last night at Metropolis and I have a serious question to ask—since when are you not allowed to CROWD SURF at Metropolis? The first time I did it, the bouncer told me if I did it three times I would get kicked out. He then proceeded to put a slash on the back of my hand in black marker. Naturally, I did it again and this time he reminded me quite fiercely that if I did it again, he’d throw me out and then he put a big X on my other hand. Since when, at a rock concert, are you not allowed to rock out? I PAID to have fun and they’re trying to control how much fun I have and threatening to throw me out?! What is this world coming to? [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is the self-righteous nutcase who called in about somebody selling video tapes of the Flaming Lips show at Metropolis on eBay. I’d just like to say to the guy that I’m sorry. I apologize and it’s totally cool if the band actually commissioned you to make that film. And I’m sorry for leaving the rant. Secondly, I’d like to say fuck you, asshole, for calling me an idiot. Am I fucking psychic? Did I know the band commissioned you or that this was an official thing or had anything to do with the Flaming Lips? So fuck you and, even though it was endorsed by the band, I have to say, $25 is still a rip off. I’ll keep my memories because they’re free. [BLEEP!]

F I’ve noticed there’s been a lot of MENSTRUAL CONTENT on the Rant Line™ in recent weeks—which I think is great—but someone told me recently that all of the major swear words in Jamaica have to do with menstruation. Now I’m wondering if anyone can verify this for me. I do believe that BUMBACLOT means blood clot, but I didn’t think that that had to do with menstruation, I thought it had to do with heart attacks. Can someone please clarify? [BLEEP!]

M This is to the people complaining about graffitists. Let me give you an example, okay? Let’s say you’re playing your music loud and your neighbour comes and tells you to turn it down and it pisses you off. You know what you do? You turn it louder, right? That’s how we feel. We want to express ourselves, we spray paint a little. That’s what we’re doing now. You piss us off and we do it more and more and more until you SHUT THE FUCK UP. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M For the guy who called in about insurance companies and SUICIDE a few weeks ago. Most insurance companies actually have a two year exclusion on suicide, where if you take out the policy now and commit suicide after two years, they’ll pay up. But don’t ask your insurance agent about it, it’ll be spelled out in the final policy when it’s delivered. So apply for the insurance, get your policy and see what the final policy says and, if it’s not to your liking, you can cancel the policy and go to another provider. Take care. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, I just got back to Montreal after a couple of months away and this city’s got a serious problem with VAGRANTS and hippies. Goddamnit people, wash your fucking hair! Dreadlocks are not cool, they’re nasty. It’s disgusting. I can smell you from a goddamn block away. Wash your fucking hair! [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to the relatively NICE POT SMOKER who got busted in NDG Park. Why’d you show the cop any ID, man? That’s all I got to say. Don’t even let him come near you. If you didn’t have a joint in your hand, then fuck him. He can’t arrest you for the smell of pot, so don’t even cooperate next time. Tell him to move on. Dude with a fucking badge and a gun pushing you around the block? Screw it. Keep your ID in your pocket and tell them to keep fucking plowing the sidewalk. Later. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just sitting here having a lager and I want to get a plan because I’m aspiring to be the PERFECT MALE. That means somewhere between Gandhi and George Bush, somewhere between Mike Tyson and Otis Grant. That, I would say, would probably turn you into the perfect male. That’s it. [BLEEP!]

M When exactly did all the straight men start adopting homosexual signifiers? That’s all I wanna know. [BLEEP!]

F This is for all the ladies out there. I’m wondering if someone can recommend an affordable but good place to get a BIKINI WAX in the Plateau-Mile-End region. Any info would be wonderful. [BLEEP!]

M Hi, this is for the girl who just moved to Montreal who’s looking for praise for action in the back section. Just so you know, it doesn’t matter how big you are—as long as it’s hard, it’s beautiful. I’m talking about big beautiful butts—not flabby, but hard—very nice when you SLAP them. I love that. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum