Dear Sasha: I’ve been with my girlfriend for four months (she’s 23 and I’m 24). For the first few weeks of our lovemaking, sex was plentiful, and it seemed to excite her. The problem is, it doesn’t at all any more. She has admitted to me from the beginning that she doesn’t know what her clitoris is, or where it’s located. She claims to have tried masturbating a few times in her life, but says she "felt silly and awkward."
She also has many "rules" while we have sex. She says she only comes when she’s on top; that there can be no talking, because it distracts her while she’s concentrating on orgasm; and that I have to leave my hands at my sides so she can "control" all the movements. Sometimes she’ll say, "Hands off the shoulders!!!" or "Shhhhhh, let me concentrate!!!" loudly, and it’s really not too sexy. All of this really takes the fun and spontaneity out of our sex. Now it seems like she’s given up on it; instead of trying to tell me what she likes or doesn’t like, she doesn’t even bother to initiate sexual contact.
What can we/she do? How can I be expected to please her sexually when she doesn’t even know how to please herself? This is quickly starting to feel like work, not fun! Should we give up and just be roommates? » Peter
Dear Peter,
Roommates?! Are you deranged? You don’t ever live with someone you’ve just broken up with, no matter what rents are like. Don’t even consider it unless you’re looking for some ego-pulverizing material for poetry that you will live to regret.
I’ve got some harsh words for you, buddy, so have a seat. My guess is that your girlfriend’s sexual interest in you was one of novelty and you should seriously consider ending this relationship now if you want to have some spontaneous and intimate sex because you are not going to get it from her. I get lots and lots of letters from people - mostly straight men, but that might be a reflection of my general mail - whose girlfriends have lost interest in sex after an introductory period where they were insatiable. I don’t know what to say about it other than that I’ve only ever known intrigue to re-ignite after you break up and/or start dating someone else, and that usually lasts all of three weeks.
As for your girlfriend, I’ll address her for a moment: I’m sorry if Peter leaves you because I encouraged him to, but you know it as well as I do: you don’t want to fuck him, even if you do love him. You’re staying with him because you’re afraid of how that will reflect on your ability to commit. You’re probably waiting around for there to be a seemly amount of space between your leaving and having moved in together, and that one of the reasons you don’t want him touching you or talking during sex is because you are busy focusing on some other shit that turns you on. If it’s not impossible, I would suggest going out and trying to find yourself some of that, along with a decent vibrator and/or dildo. You say you feel silly and awkward masturbating but as far as I can tell, you already are, and you’re hurting someone’s feelings to boot.
When you’re a girl and you first figure out how to come, particularly if you learn it late and your parts are still a mystery (easy to solve - grab yourself a hand mirror and a copy of Selfloving by Betty Dodson and get to work), it is terrifying and amazing all at once. It feels totally elusive, it feels like if you don’t do it exactly the same way each and every time it won’t happen, and for many of us, this turns into the case. Boys develop these patterns too. Another awesome book is the Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, which talks openly and easily about everything - masturbation and orgasm patterns included.
Got any questions for Sasha? Write her at
465 McGill Street, 3rd floor, Montreal, Quebec, H2Y 4B4
Fax: 393-3173
e-mail: pouledeluxe@yahoo.com
