M This is Jason, the Governor General of Travesty Theatre. We at Travesty Theatre are appalled that it was insinuated in a rant that one of our members insulted the Fluff Girls. We at Travesty Theatre believe in healthy copycat groups doing our act or, actually, to be more politically correct, we believe in competition. We applaud competition and we believe that the person who left this rant is obviously a fan of the Dead Dolls Cabaret who decided to voice their opinion. And we don’t like our own thoughts linked with those of our fans except, in fact, when they’re at our show. So thank-you. Bye. [BLEEP!]

M To the sickeningly unscrupulous piece of dog shit who’s hawking a video of the Flaming Lips show at Metropolis for $25 a shot on eBay. Way to taint something beautiful! I hope you get the palsy and I hope your dick falls off!! Not only that, you’re unbelievably stupid with the $25 price tag. Even HMV doesn’t rip you off that badly for professionally filmed, quality-sound concert events. And anyone who hands out $25 to this bandit, well, you’re equally stupid. Anyway, I think I was standing pretty close to you, I saw you filming. Get bent, you prick! The Flaming Lips rule, the show was amazing, but you just ruined some of that feeling. Sit and spin, motherfucker. [BLEEP!]

M To the person calling for the funk bands. Someone suggested that they check out Free Oxygen. Well, I’ve heard midi files played in a PORNO MOVIE that sounded more funky than these guys. There are a lot of bands who do play some killer funk who do play at Le Swimming, but Free Oxygen is not one of them. [BLEEP!]

M I have one thing to say to the Free Oxygen guy - lose the CHE GUEVARA BERETS and stop playing white-washed funk for a bunch of Concordia trust-fund drunken brats at le Swimming every couple of months. I’m tired of your crappy funk band. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is for whoever was ragging on the Under Pressure saying that "All you do is write your name as big as you can, great art, guys, great art." Obviously you have no idea of the point of graf and it’s not my place to tell you, but just go and check out the colours, dude. Check out the MOTIF. Check out the variations and calligraphy! I don’t know if you appreciate art in general, but have you ever even picked up a Krylon can and tried to spray? I guarantee you that you’ll gain a lot more respect for these guys if you try and imitate what they’re doing, so peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hello. I think it would be fun if Montreal started a new festival called Just for Pickpockets. They could close St-Laurent and all the pickpockets could sell all the stuff on St-Laurent that they stole from people. That’d be fun. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the angry man ranting about us straight people and our kids. I was worried that people like you still exist. I understand that spoiled, whining children can be exhausting at times, but you’re forgetting a few things. Children are our future - I’m sure that even someone as ignorant as yourself could understand this. Raising a kid is something that two straight people can do and will always do - despite how much it offends you. After all, it is the NATURAL way of things. And, as far as I’m concerned, sick fucks like yourself are stressing my natural environment. Wanting to wave your dick at kids, that’s pedophilia. So do the world a favour: go lie face down in a big pile of shit where you belong and leave be the only hope this world has. Peace out, Montreal. Live free. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, it’d be really appreciated if somebody could tell me if there’s an insurance company out there where, if you ACCIDENTALLY commit suicide, that somebody could still benefit from it. Like, is there an insurance company out there who will cover you? That’s all. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F This is for the woman who just got the Keeper. I don’t think people who just get something should be giving a critique of it on the first day. I think the Keeper is great and is a good alternative to tampons. I personally did NATURAL SPONGES, which is another alternative, during Expo ’86. Until you try using your Keeper at a mass event where there are a hundred people waiting to use the toilet and the toilet stalls are separate from all of the sinks where you have to wash it out in order to re-insert it, I suggest that you withhold your critique. Or try to wash it out when you’re camping or in a public washroom where there is no clean water and you don’t want to touch it and put it back in. So, please, you people who have things to criticize, please wait a week before you spout off. Or for something like menstrual problems, perhaps wait until you’ve used it for a year. Thank you very much. Good luck with it anyway. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum