by KRISTIAN GRAVENOR

Why do we live here in Montreal?

There are plenty of excellent reasons of course. They include Chez Maurice Super Club Rencontre, an unknowingly retro joint that has a phone on every table to allow you to call people at other tables and invite them to do some ballroom dancing under a disco mirror ball. And upon leaving you can enjoy strolling under a plexiglass sidewalk roof while window shopping for Star Wars figurines or faux medieval accessories among the other treasures of Plaza St-Hubert.

Another reason to live here is that we’re about to become the world capital for reverse nepotism - as goaltender José Théodore sets out to give hope to those of us who wish to thrive in spite of, rather than because of, our highly flawed and suspicious daddies.

But those probably aren’t the reasons you call this island home. To uncover the sweeping patterns of the world, employ the method used by the Communist economic determinist historians: cherchez le buck. A bit of forensic accounting will tell you that you are most likely here because you or one of your forefathers was an economic migrant.

Times were tough in the old country, so the poor of Scotland, Greece, Spain and any number of down-on-their-luck places relocated here where they thought they could thrive.

A lot of those places of self-exile have seen standards of living rise, and meanwhile Montreal has gone through some nasty rollercoaster turns. Makes you wonder whether, in their dotage, a lot of locals regret departing their motherland long ago for this place.

When we choose to live in a given place, we are investing in it with our lives. We invest in a place with all our past and future savings when we buy a home there. It’s the biggest investment one can make. And if approached rationally, one would consider employing the same buy-low-sell-high principles as a stock market investor. To gain wealth through land, one should move to undervalued, underappreciated places. Then one should move on when they become overhyped and overvalued.

Somebody who bought into Montreal a decade back would be rich if he sold today. The owner who sold and moved away during those times might be kicking himself for not weathering the storm.

The time to leave Montreal wasn’t during the nasty years. If one absolutely had to leave this fine burg, one might quietly think of doing it now that the boom is on. If you own a house and sell it for a big profit, there’s no real profit because you’ll still have to rent expensive or buy at the same inflated market.

The idea would be to move to a place that’s cheap now but won’t be in five years. Consider shoving off to San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua, a stone’s throw from Costa Rica, where 100 metres of beach property goes for $140,000, a price that won’t even get you a condo in NDG. Get a blender and get the $3-an-hour labour to build you a few wooden huts and you’ve got your own tourist resort.

Instead of buying a cottage in TMR, consider Buenos Aires. This down-on-its luck town remains one of the great cities and will surely recover from its economically depressed times just in time for you to enjoy the world’s greatest steaks and unsettled beachfront.

I’m skeptical about Montreal’s current boom. I know precisely only one person who has cashed in during these so-called good times. The Expos, F1 and the World Film Festival are all on their last legs, and many of the much-publicized tourist projects might never happen. The overwhelming demographic numbers prove that people don’t want to live in cold climates anymore and there’s no guarantee that Third World immigrants and people from the countryside will be dying to move here forever to replace the fast-dying, old-time population.

So in conclusion, as detestable and perplexing as it might seem, yes, it might be time to sell your house and move to Winnipeg.

Comments? kgravy@openface.ca