Dear Bent,
Admittedly this is not the letter I would have favoured to introduce the concept of escort agencies for the ladies. This is more along the lines of a "Why the hell do you even get to contemplate marrying someone you're sexually incompatible with and emotionally distant from and on whom you intend to sneak around (with women no less!), while the lives of so many willing and communicative gay couples hang in the balance?" kind of letter.
Seriously, what is it about marriage that some people are trying to preserve by hoarding it as an institution exclusive to heterosexuals? I mean fuck, it's not like most straight people (including those who are against gay marriage) haven't been treating it like the joyride they seem to imagine gay people will. Don't queers deserve the opportunity to actually prove that we too are hopeless nitwits who will run off and marry someone we are totally emotionally and sexually at odds with, cheat on them, and then get divorced five weeks later?
If our lawmakers can't see fit to really legalize gay marriage across the board, they can at the very least stop rubbing our faces in the fact that every starry-eyed straight couple who wants to flounce down the aisle can do so in a heartbeat. Come on, make the buggers work a little harder for it! Let's have some skill-testing questionnaires, lie-detector tests, video proof that they are sexually compatible (I'd be happy to sit in on some of these sessions as an expert witness), and then have vicious faggots - ooh! and Janeane Garofalo! - commentating on the wedding day like sports officials: "…and here comes the bride. Will you look at that dress? Hello Wal-Mart! Hope she brushed her teeth today after she blew that stripper at her stagette last night." As a topper, couples shouldn't be permitted to separate unless they agree to do it on the new reality show called Divorce and Die! where they fight till the death, gladiator style.
As for your bordello fantasy, I would suggest you look in the back of any weekly, or the yellow pages. Most agencies have to work around the antiquated minefield of Canadian sex laws, which means that the concept of a bordello is illegal. The one I found that advertises itself as such (canopy beds, candles, presumably a pianist named the Professor tinkling away in the front parlour) doesn't service a female clientele. Others wising up to the concept of variety conduct business both on an outcall (hotel, your house) and incall (you going to them) basis. Eight years ago, my inquiries for massage parlours servicing women were met with disbelief, but now it looks like some are offering services for women, no doubt because they've all figured out the miracle of vibrators.
I would like to recommend the site www.merb.ca (Montreal Escort Review Board) for anyone who is further interested in investigating escort services in Montreal. The message boards are blunt and newbies may not understand the coded language at times (although if you don't know what Greek is by now…) but who better to get advice from than the johns themselves?
