M Hey, a couple of months ago I watched this documentary about RELIGIOUS NUTS in the southern U.S. who go to church and talk in tongues and handle rattlesnakes and everything. They're crazy, it was great. Anyway, I've been looking to find a CD of the music these people listen to. It sounds like gospel mixed with funk mixed with, like, '60s psychedelia. And I can't find it anywhere. If anyone knows, please let me know, because this music, it belongs outside the church. [BLEEP!]

M For the girl who said the Fluff Girls show sucked. I wonder if you're the same person who was outside the show earlier screaming obscenities at them, who is actually affiliated with another burlesque troop. I thought that was kind of tacky because, frankly, I would think that if you were interested in a revival of burlesque, a bit of competition would probably be good. [BLEEP!]

M I'm calling about the Saphir club. It's funny, I always read in the Rant Line™ that it's a great place and the DJs are good and the music is incredible. I went to the Saphir this week and the place sucks. I think the employees of the bar should stop calling the Rant Line™ to plug their goddamn bar because you know it's the employees who do it and I'm pretty sure of it because I used to be one of them. The Saphir bar sucks. [BLEEP!]

M In response to the lady who called in looking for funk bands, I suggest she check out Free Oxygen. They're a funky group and they're playing at Le Swimming on August 31. And just to let you know, funk has no colour - black, white, green, purple, orange, polka dot. Funk is a universal thing, you either got it or you don't. It means nothing what colour you are. Are you an adult? Think about that for a minute. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I just walked by the graffiti competition on St-Laurent. You know, you guys complain that you aren't allowed to express yourselves and then when you're given a whole wall and are allowed to do whatever you want, all you do is write your NAME as big as you can. Great art, guys, great art. [BLEEP!]

M This rant goes out to that girl who called in saying that Gay Pride was all about BIG COCKS. Well, let me tell you, Mac, that if you saw cocks, it's probably because you wanted one so bad, you imagined it. Because I was there the whole week and I didn't see one goddamn cock! So give it a rest. We have our Gay Pride with good-looking guys and you have your Grand Prix with your silicone chicks. Later. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, I'm calling about all of the people on Crescent and lower St-Laurent. All you see is a bunch of BIG BOOBS everywhere and I don't understand why this represents STRAIGHT love. Why can't these people respect themselves and just love each other? Do they have to show their boobs everywhere? [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I'm calling to respond to the woman who ranted about gay men and their big cocks ON DISPLAY at Gay Pride week and how this was sort of a symptom of a lack of self-confidence or a lack of self-worth. Well, I'm calling to rant in that I'm tired of seeing straight people walking around with their fucking kids! Enough with the kids, okay?! Stop bringing them everywhere you go! As far as I'm concerned, you're over-populating the world with these little brats and they put a huge stress on our natural environment and resources so, like, kill it with the skillet with the kids, fuck. And in the meantime, would you get out of my way, you're blocking that kid right behind you from seeing my dick. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who thinks that Montrealers are right-wingers and that Montreal is a conservative city. Oh my God, are you stupid or what? Have you ever been outside of this city and seen what the rest of the world is like? Have you ever even been outside of your own basement? Unbelievable. If you guys think that living in Montreal or Quebec is conservative, you all oughta move to Toronto. [BLEEP!]

F So I was just wondering if anybody had heard about THE KEEPER. It's this amazing new product for women. Instead of those fucking dirty nasty disgusting tampons that make us sick and give us cancer and dry us out, The Keeper is an all-natural gum rubber cup and it will change your life. Call Blood Sisters! Call Ecologique! Try it, it will change your life. I just got mine today, it's the most amazing invention in the world. Oh my God. [BLEEP!]

F Okay, what is with Montrealers and the CIRCUS? Cirque this, cirque that, circus, circus, circus! Everyone knows that circus is a dying art form and it has been since those creepy little men on mopeds wearing FEZZES took over. So unless anyone can come up with a decent argument as to why circus is worth the worship it's given in this city, I say let it DIE. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum