M Hi. My name is Alexander. I went to the Canadian Electronic Ensemble concert at the Up to Your Ears festival. They were great - the sound at the Christ Church Cathedral was fantastic. Having concerts might be the best thing that's happened to churches! But I wonder why it is that whenever I go to these fascinating concerts, there are always only just a few deep and CEREBRAL-TYPE GUYS attending. Someone please tell me where all the deep and cerebral girls in this town are. [BLEEP!]

M I am calling to respond to the rant left by the funk-loving girl who is sick of white people playing in funk bands. First, I advise you give a careful listen to Sly's "Everyday People." Then ask yourself if digging and playing each other's music still looks like a bad idea to you. Second, every band you'll ever love will not arrive fully formed. Funk is difficult to get right, which is why we musicians find it such an irresistible challenge - regardless of our MELANIN levels. [BLEEP!]

M Hi there. I'm a Funky White Boy. Not funky in the sense that I wear big shades 24 hours a day and a Rock the Plateau T-shirt as I slowly eat my CALZONE from Eurodeli, checking out what's going down on the Main. No, funky as in stinky. I fucking stink. I am sitting in a cloud of my own farts and dope smoke and, basically, you know, dropping that funk. Kicking the real vibes. And in response to the mademoiselle from last week who was complaining about the white boys in local funk bands, one perspective that I have to offer is that a lot of the white funk musicians who you see in Montreal are actually seasoned jazz musicians. While they may step on stage in a CARDIGAN and look like the furthest thing from funk that you might wanna see, you should pay attention to the quality of the music. From my own experience, the people who I've seen in these bands trying to drop some funk, well, even if they do look like a wedding band, they usually sound pretty tight. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, so you guys are talking about whether or not Montreal has a funk scene. Well, let me say that I've been living here for the past four years and this is the funkiest city I've ever been in. First of all, where else can you see George Clinton for 20 bucks? In that vein, I also saw this crazy band called Azuris Aurum, a weird name, they play the craziest funk I've ever seen. Azurisaurum.com. Right on. Keep it funky. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I went to Saphir on Wednesday and there was DJ Cherry Cola and DJ Barracuda and they fucking rocked the place. You should really check it out. It's on every Wednesday. It's called the Electro Wet Wednesday. Word, it's fucking rock and roll all night! [BLEEP!]

F I just wanted to say I went to the Fluff Girls show and they sucked, they sucked, they sucked. I've never seen such a bunch of girls who can't shimmy their way out of a paper bag. Give me the Dead Doll Dancers any time! These girls could not even dance. It was incredible. It was so not worth the 12 bucks. [BLEEP!]

F I'm calling about the Gay Pride Week, which went on around Ste-Catherine and was all over the newspapers and everything. All you saw was a bunch of BIG COCKS everywhere. And I don't understand why this is what represents gay love. Why can't gay people respect themselves and put some CLOTHES on and just love each other? Do they have to show their dicks everywhere? [BLEEP!]

M To guy who likes RADICAL ACTION over protesting. Dude, radical action leads to violence and violence doesn't get the message across. All that violence gets across is it makes people think "Fuck the protesters." So instead of actually supporting them or supporting their message or even listening to it, people assume that the protesters are just lazy bums who break windows. Radical action won't make anything better. Moron. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy who called in about Montrealers being right-wingers. Listen, asshole, Montrealers never used to be right-wingers until we figured out what fucking fascists you DOGMATIC LEFT-WING shits are. We're sick of your violent-protesting, communist-supporting, illegal-immigrant loving, affirmative-action supporting bullshit. Maybe if you left-wingers weren't so uneducated and implemented common sense liberalism, we would go back to our left-wing roots. So, until then, fuck the dogmatic left! Fuck progressive liberals! Fuck neo-Conservatives! Fuck you and long live traditional conservatism! Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F I'm replying to the girl who's got a circular saw going on outside her house at 7:30 every morning. We have this problem too. I just moved in June and right outside they're doing the most annoying construction of a building at five in the morning, sometimes overnight, and every time I go on my balcony, it's filled with PERVERTED CONSTRUCTION WORKERS. I called the police, they can't do anything, but I do have a SLINGSHOT. And yeah, I feel your pain, so peace be with you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum