by MATTHEW HAYS

A funny thing happened as I watched the video screener of Freddy vs. Jason. It being a hot summer night, my balcony doors were swung wide open and a bat flew in. As it flew back and forth, I lay down on the floor, so as to be further away from it, and let out a few shrieks. My film-viewing companion looked for a broom, but found only a Swiffer, which he began to flap about in the air at the bat, while also shrieking. Sadly, we tried to usher the creature out the window, but ended up hitting it inadvertently. It died and was buried in a Parc Avenue dumpster.

This may sound like an odd digression, but frankly, that bat's live cameo was the most exciting thing to happen while Jason vs. Freddy unravelled in my VCR.

So what was I expecting, a horror classic? No, but when I spotted the director of the project who was to bring the enduring horror franchise icons of Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger together, I held out hope. Ronny Yu, after all, is the man who helmed Bride of Chucky, the fourth in the Child's Play series, taking the possessed doll motif, shaking it up and injecting it with some inspired casting (Jennifer Tilly, Alexis Arquette and John Ritter) while pumping up the camp and sexual innuendo. In other name recognition news, this one boasts a co-screenwriter credit by Wes Craven, whose Scream trilogy breathed some desperately needed new life into the slasher genre last decade.

No such doing here. Instead, we see our expected merry band of horny teens romp about on Elm Street, waiting to get skewered, if not in their dreams (by Freddy) then in their waking lives (by Jason). Despite being pretty bloody dim, they eventually figure out that their best bet for survival is to knock Jason unconscious and shuffle him back to the kiddie camp where he was turned from a sweet innocent child into a mass murderer, so he can face off against Freddy himself. (At first glance, I wondered why they didn't have a threesome including Halloween's Michael Myers, but two iconic villains seem to have been more than enough to keep our screenwriting team confused.)

Despite his Chucky pedigree, Yu misses ample opportunities for laughs. Teens scream and run! Freddy calls a few of the young women bitches! Jason uses his giant machete to skewer a few people! A couple of victims get beheaded! And barely a yuk to be had amid all this gore.

The final climax, in which Freddy and Jason actually do face off, is entirely anticlimactic. The producers, it seems, have tried to come up with a double-your-money effort at packing horny teens into the cinemas to see horny teens get sliced and diced. Beware, young viewers: Freddy and Jason aren't going to scare you, let alone hurt you. If you buy tickets to this, they're merely going to pick your pocket.

Freddy vs. Jason opens Friday, August 15

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