by LORRAINE CARPENTER

"Li'l Andy gonna fuck you up!" Or will Egotestical get to you first? Either way, you'll get yours at the Honky-tonk Hip-hop Hoedown, a clash of corrosive country and raunchy rap by way of Li'l Andy & Karaoke Cowboy and Egotestical. Apart from one urban cowboy duet - the stoned 'n' drunk driving anthem "Cruisin' in tha Nova (For a Double Suicide)," a hidden track on Andy's album Tombstones & Arcades - Andy and "Testy" forecast a showdown at their Hoedown, a hillbilly/bling bling battle with a little gay love on the side. The Mirror sat ring-side at a local tavern as the Stetsons and the doo-rags came off and the booze, the love and the hate flowed freely.

Mirror: So where did this Hoedown idea come from?

Li'l Andy: I'm not sure if it was during the act of sex itself or during the post-coital cigarette that Testy's mother asked me to play a show with him. He's down and out, you know.

M: Testy, weren't you in Andy's band a while back?

Egotestical: Yeah, I quit 'cause Li'l Andy was too much of a pussy for me.

LA: There were musical differences in that the other guys in the band were musical and he wasn't. Then he went into hip hop and, lo and behold, it turned out fine. Surprise!

M: So why hip hop?

E: Why hip hop? Cause hip hop's easy, all you need is a computer. I don't know how to read or write music. You just gotta be an asshole. I rap about donkey punching and doing Andy's mom.

M: So you've done each others' moms?

LA: We come from a liberal community. It's open swapping, really.

M: Okay, Andy, tell me about your ditty "The Night That Oprah Died." It's pretty brutal.

LA: Well, the character on the album is a cowboy who moves to the city and sees apparitions of Moses, Oprah and other deities. You know, there's this quote about fascism in Germany: when a society stops believing in God, it'll start believing in something else. Like Hitler or Oprah.

M: TV peeps are big with you too, Testy. Don't you have a song called "The Olsen Twins Are Cumming"? You a Full House fan?

LA: Oh, Full House, I didn't find them that hot then. I mean they were okay.

E: Yeah, they were alright.

LA: They could shake it. But if you look at the covers of Mary-Kate and Ashley's straight-to-video Disney movies, you can tell that their dad is grooming them for the cover of Playboy. Like, look at Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement. His dad knew, he knew to make Johnny T into a hot commodity.

E: He is a hot dude

LA: Oh yeah. I'd do him.

E: I'd do him, for sure.

M: Okay, but what about the show?

LA: Right! There'll be hardcore honky tonk at the end of the evening and some badass hip hop at the beginning to satisfy your urban and rural desires. And you'll see Testy and me bump and grind. We can talk about that, eh?

E: What?

LA: It's Divers/Cité season, let's be proud.

E: I'm black and I'm proud.

LA: You're pretty black for a Scotsman… Why did we order so much alcohol?

At Le Swimming on Thursday, August 14, 9PM, $6

>> Music Listings