Dear Sasha: While showering one day I discovered a lump on the inside of my labia majora, at the bottom, very near my vagina. I don't want to see a doctor yet because I'm 16 and it would be very embarrassing to tell my mother about this. I do masturbate, but it's always clitoral stimulation; I never insert anything into my body and rarely touch the area of the lump except when showering. I'm a virgin in every sense of the word - I have not even come close to being with a naked male, so it's definitely not sex-related. I also have keratosis pilaris - a rather abundant case of it. It's on the outer surface of my upper and lower arms, my neck, and my upper thighs. My dermatologist says it'll go away in adulthood and it's usually very tiny bumps, so that's why I don't think this lump is related to it. » A Rather Embarrassed and Frightened Teen

Dear Rather,
Excuse me? "Labia majora"? "Clitoral stimulation"? Honestly, what are they teaching you kids in school these days?! I'm tickled pink!

Whatever your age, I would like to commend you on your straightforward approach to your body and health, and would encourage you to continue your pursuit unhampered by shame. I e-mailed my dame in the health domain, Lyba Spring, and asked for some advice on your behalf.

"We often have women with lumps and bumps walking into the clinic," she wrote back. "Once you've ruled out the obvious suspects when there has been no sexual activity, even naked rubbing, you're left with things like an infected hair follicle, or a cyst under the skin. Sometimes we see an ingrown hair in people who shave the pubic area. In any case, given that she is concerned about it, I think she should see a doctor. Vulvar cancer is rare, but one would want to rule that out ASAP. She could start with her dermatologist to see if there is any connection with her condition and then go back to her GP if it wasn't."

I can tell you for certain that if masturbation caused labial lumps, mine would look like little fur pouches filled with marbles.

Dear Sasha: I recently had sex with this girl that I've had a major crush on for about five months. I won't go into the details of how it all went down, but let's just say I was very cool in my approach and she obviously dug me. While we were in the middle of it all, I said something kind of fakely modest about my dick, like, "I know it's kind of small" or something like that. She said, without missing a beat, "Yeah, don't worry, I'm all clit anyway." Don't worry? As if! » Coitus Inter-ouch-us

Dear Coitus,
I made a silent promise that I would no longer address concerns of size unless they brought to light greater, more important issues like world peace. This is particularly regarding the enlargement-pill letters (once again, NO, they DON'T work), and ones where guys have obviously compromised their income and general quality of life because they're spending way too much time with tape measurers, lighting effects, trompe d'oeil shaving techniques etc. I wouldn't be exaggerating in saying that around half the mail I get is about penis size, some of it psychotic in content: "When I am standing in the living room facing the sofa it is around five inches, when I am near anything blue it is about four and a half." It's gotta stop.

All in all, the world would be a more peaceful place if men weren't so worried about the size of their dicks, so I am delighted, really, I am just beside myself, at this woman's blasé attitude. No wonder you have a crush on her! She sounds like a whip! She's all like, who cares about your dick, I'm here for the wonder that is You. She knows how she gets off, she's not ashamed to tell you. A girl like this will definitely be into trying some nifty things. You hang on to her. I see a golden shower in your future, at the very least.

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