M It took me a few years but I finally found something good to say about Toronto. Toronto has a 24 hour a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year JAZZ CHANNEL. We don’t have that in Montreal, and it’s the only thing Toronto has that is better than us. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for that ANTI-JAZZ IDIOT. If the music makes him want to kill himself, then maybe he should just go ahead and do it. [BLEEP!]

F For the guy looking for the electroclash scene, come to Le Parking every Thursday and you’ll have the blast of your life. [BLEEP!]

F I would like to rant about the housing crisis and the fact that a lot of guys who seriously date girls are still keeping an apartment for themselves. Realistically, if they would get rid of their apartments and commit themselves to a serious relationship with their girlfriends, I’m sure that would free about 400 apartments in Montreal. [BLEEP!]

M [Very upset] If you happened to take a cat thinking it was abandoned because of the housing crisis—a small grey female tabby with no collar who responds to the name of Spider—and if you took it from Décarie below the tracks, you’ve stolen one of the only things [starts crying] that could bring a smile to my face. I don’t like people and people don’t like me but I’ve had my cat for over 10 years. But now she’s either trapped or somebody’s taken her. You would have needed a car because she hates to be picked up and she’s got CRAZY SHARP CLAWS. And she’s not dumb enough to get trapped up a tree or down a drainpipe. [weeping] Someone took my cat! Whether or not their intentions were good or malicious remains to be seen but, please, if you took a cat matching that description on Décarie below de Maisonneuve, Saturday night, July 5th, bring it back to that general neighbourhood. Please. I’m begging you, okay? Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M To the person who scratched off the faces of the LESBIANS in the photographic exhibition on McGill-College. What a sad, sad little piece of shit you are. What a pathetic person who is just driven so hysterical, so terrified, by a picture. Oooh, an image of two women kissing so completely scared him out of his wits that he had to destroy the hateful thing. Oh my God, how traumatic it must have been. What a sad little schmuck you are, sitting there naked crying into a little wet rag. What? You were too afraid of actual lesbians to bring up your issues with them? You were too afraid that they might kick your little ass? You’re so pathetic! A picture, a painting that is so terrifying that you had to destroy it. That’ll show us, I’m sure. We fags and dykes are going to be here long after the last homophobic asshole is rotting in his grave. Good-bye. [BLEEP!]

M For the guy who wonders if all gay people are PERVERTED. While I do agree that what your neighbour did was not the most tactful thing to do, your means of expressing your angst was perhaps inappropriate. Because I could turn around and say that the majority of rapists are STRAIGHT MEN, the majority of murderers are straight men, and the majority of politicians are straight men. How do you like that paintbrush? [BLEEP!]

F I can’t believe I just read there was a FLYING SAUCER THING going along Sherbrooke street. Because on that night I was on my rooftop and I wasn’t stoned and I was looking at the stars and I thought I saw something resembling a flying saucer. And of course I didn’t share this information with anyone. But I’m sharing it now! I think I saw a flying saucer!! What I saw wasn’t a shooting star. I’ve seen shooting stars before. This was round and it wasn’t a plane. It was just very, very weird. [BLEEP!]

M For the guy who called in about the Montreal police and the flying saucer thing. No, the Montreal government is not in cahoots with beings from another world. It’s an urban surveillance floating hovering video camera thing. I think it’s a prototype. [BLEEP!]

M This is a question inspired by SCHOOLGIRL LUST—about high school uniforms as worn by teenage girls. Now the woman who did this study that the Mirror wrote about seems to think this is a problem because middle-aged men look at teenage girls and want to fuck them. And I’m one of those men. I definitely see girls every day in Montreal that I’d love to fuck. I wish they wanted to fuck me. But my question is this: everyone seems to find this a disgusting idea—and maybe they have the right to do so—but why did Canada make the age of consent 14 so that a man my age and a 15-year-old could have sex if both of them wanted. If the ADULT WORLD seems to find this idea reprehensible, why did they legalize it? So if anybody out there has any knowledge or any ideas on the subject, go ahead and let me know. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum