by MARK SLUTSKY

The hottest new kind of cultural property to be adapted into movie format these days, after TV shows, comics, and video games, is the theme park ride. Disney seems to be making a real go of it lately; there was last year’s The Country Bears, this coming November’s The Haunted Mansion (with Eddie Murphy), and this summer’s offering, Pirates of the Caribbean. Now, as unsavoury, uninspired, and opportunistically synergistic as the idea of a theme park movie sounds, Pirates of the Caribbean is actually good damn fun.

What exactly do you want to see in a pirate movie? With the exception of a guy with a knife between his teeth (and there may have been one I didn’t notice), Pirates of the Caribbean pretty much has it all: sword fights, cannon battles, treasure chests, a parrot, a monkey, a missing eye, mutinies, an ancient curse, walked planks, a desert island, plenty of rum, lots of one-liners, and some pretty people. All bases covered.

The movie’s ostensible star is Orlando Bloom (Legolas from the Lord of the Rings movies), though he’s really just the straight man. Rescued from the sea after a pirate attack as a child, Bloom lives in the English outpost of Port Hope, where he works as a blacksmith. Bloom’s sweet on the very beautiful Keira Knightley (Bend It Like Beckham), the governor’s daughter. Knightley has in her possession a magical gold medallion, which a great big band of nasty pirates, led by Geoffrey Rush, are eager to get their hands on. Storming the island, they make off with the lass, and Bloom’s only recourse is to team up with ex-pirate captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) and rescue her. Events develop accordingly.

Depp is in full weirded-out form here, and it’s really entertaining to watch. He rambles on in an affected monotone, gesticulates lazily, seeming something like a hung-over club promoter. Rush really hams it up, too, as the pirate captain too evil even for hell. It’s a good time. Pirates of the Caribbean doesn’t take itself very seriously, and the result is enjoyably stupid.

Pirates of the Caribbean is now playing

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