M I can't believe that people actually appreciate the JAZZ SCENE. Who likes a scene that's named after one of the worst drugs ever? Heroin, jazz, you know? That's so stupid. And what about the music? Mellow, depressed, non-emotional music that makes you want to kill yourself even more? What's so fucking good about that? Yeah, like, I'm doing heroin, I'm listening to jazz, I'm so cool. Fuck that, you're just a junkie loser. [BLEEP!]

M This rant is about the guy who was saying that Mick Jagger slept with David Bowie. He seemed to be putting a negative spin on it as if it was something bad. I'm not gay and I don't know if it happened - I wasn't there - but if it did, it's none of our business. And whether you're gay or not has nothing to do with the quality of a person. I do know that Bowie has a beautiful wife and that Mick Jagger's had many, many women. [BLEEP!]

F I'd like to know if there is any ELECTROCLASH scene in Montreal and where do these people hang out. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I'm calling because I'm wondering if anybody else saw this FLYING SAUCER type device being escorted by police on Thursday at around midnight on Sherbrooke Street. That's all. I'm just wondering if anybody else saw it and if anyone knows what that device is and why there were so many police escorting it. It was about 2 metres in diameter on a flatbed truck going westbound on Sherbrooke at the corner of Amherst at around 12:20. So thanks for the investigation. [BLEEP!]

M [different caller] Does anybody remember the UFOs that flew over Montreal in '89 and '90? It seems like everybody forgot about it. They were flying in, like, a triangle or something. Does anybody remember? I only know one person who remembers. Does anyone else remember? I want to know. Something's going on, I think, if nobody can remember. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the anti-dog rant of a few weeks ago. I have a serious plea myself, it's to all COWARDS. You know, as sweet as you may seem to yourself, to the rest of us you look like a fast approaching IMMINENT PEST. You know as well as I do that the rapid and stern repetition of your pathetic fears will do nothing to dissuade me. I assume since you've chosen to live in this city, you have in your heart some tolerance. Well, how about having some tolerance for those whose moods, days, lives are ruined by your cowardly anti-socialism. If you are a coward, please stay home. [BLEEP!]

M I told you about the fat squirrels and pigeons, right? Now I'm gonna tell you something else. If you wanna know when it's gonna rain, just check out the ANTHILLS. The ants build up around their holes when it's going to rain so they don't get all drowned, okay. Nature has a lot of answers that are right under our nose. Just look. The weather channel, they're like hit or miss. But I'm just talking about rain right now. I'll have other weather reports for you in the future. [BLEEP!]

M Okay, I've had it just about up to here right now with really PERVERTED GAY PEOPLE. I'm not a homophobe in any way - as a matter of fact I have a lot of gay friends - however I have something against perverts, whether they be heterosexual or homosexual. I got home the other night and I found a note on my door from a neighbour of mine, who is obviously gay, going on about how he enjoys masturbating while he watches me load and unload my truck in the morning. Had he just approached me and said hello and been very friendly, I probably would have spoken to him but now I'm actually totally repulsed by him. I realize that not all gay people are like this but you're all being painted with this brush. What the heck's going on, man? [BLEEP!]

F It's already well known that Montreal has some of the most beautiful women in the world. But unfortunately I can't say the same of Montreal men. I've been seeing some of the hottest women walk down the streets with boyfriends who look like bums. So here are several suggestions for Montreal men. Number one, take a bath and brush your mouth, preferably with some soap and toothpaste. It's sad, but true, you stink. Two, get a haircut. Three, stop wearing pants that hang below your ass and put on some CLEAN DECENT CLOTHES. And four, get a job so you can maintain these simple habits. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I'm fucking pissed off right now. I work fucking long hard hours as a landscaper and one of the areas I work in is Westmount. Imagine my surprise when I get to my work truck today to find out some rich, bratty, spoiled WESTMOUNT KID has stolen my cigarettes. Now I don't know about you but, as far as I'm concerned, there's no reason to steal from someone who is poorer than you. It's inexcusable. Do it again, I'll hunt you down and break your fucking kneecaps. Thank you. I feel much better now. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum