by RAF KATIGBAK

How often have you shared a pint or five with a group of friends, with the intention of enjoying some light conversation, only to realize that half an hour in you've switched from rather innocent subjects, like the weather or local sports, to a completely different level of subject like, oh, say, necro-bestial butt sex?

While anyone arriving late to the sounds of "I once caught this guy at the meat-packing plant doing it with the merchandise!" will most likely raise their hands in front of them, slowly back away and think, ooookaaaay. To everyone else in the thick of it, this statement is part of a perfectly natural, albeit slightly demented, progression. During a recent jaunt to the local tavern, my rather loquacious cohorts and I began our merry little chat on the subject of Canada's economy and somehow ended up at poo. Our discourse covered a broad spectrum of the substance's properties, from the general, like girth and fragrance, to the more specific, like buoyancy and of course corn content. We talked about the alien nature of diaper doo-doo and how someone's worries of internal bleeding turned out to be, in the end, too much tandoori chicken. Of course a wide range of euphemisms were employed, from the polite "meadow dressing" to the covert "dropping some friends off at the pool" to the alliterate "brownie batter" to the exotic "Montezuma's revenge" to the painfully descriptive "green apple splatters." Our scatological symposium was not limited to human poop alone - from rabbit raisins and bird droppings to cow pies, poodle bombs and flinging monkey crap, the conversation became a veritable Noah's Ark of "number two." Soon enough it was last call and my blurry-eyed compatriots were all wondering how we got from "the economy's down" to "Sure, cats get cling-ons, but my cat has mad fartleberries!" Suspicions abounded as to which devious individual among us had surreptitiously changed the subject to suit their own perverted agenda.

Tonight, Thursday, July 3, check out Nostalgia, "the high school dance simulation," featuring the sassy sounds of DJs Mr. Vain (aka Corey K), Cham, Tipsy and Sarcastic, who'll be playing everything from Euro-dance and slow songs to old-school hip hop and booty house. Remember, the high school dance dress code will be enforced! Five dollars at the door, call 724-4574 for details.

For more retro fun drop by 4003 St-Urbain (corner Duluth) this Saturday, July 5, for Madonna Madness. Check your egos at the door because at 11 p.m. it's a karaoke jam featuring costumes, videos and remixes. Like the flyer says, "If you're too cool for me [Madonna], you're too cool for this party!"

Folktronic fans should saunter on down to Rad'a Gallery this Sunday, July 6, for Carpark recording artist Greg Davis and his laptop comrades E*rock and Lullatone, who will no doubt deliver some melodic, organic, electronic sweetness.

July 6 also marks the beginning of Sunkiss Sundays over on Sugar's terrasse. Chill to the sounds of Nivoc, Pascal and special guests, drink in hand, basking in the sun - what more could you ask for?

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dunnnng. Diskoakimbo@sympatico.ca

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