F I’m calling to rant about the Dwarves show. I just want to put out the word that the show was kind of SUCKY. To be honest, the audience was way more hot, way more kicking and had way more energy. So this is to the Dwarves - maybe you guys should get a bit more soul. You don’t have to destroy the stage, but at least look like you’re fucking having fun. Later. [BLEEP!]

M I’ve just got one thing to say - JAZZ was sent to save America from its stupidity. Yes, all the stupid people in America, God sent you jazz through the BLACK PEOPLE, to save you and enlighten you. To energize you. To give you some rhythm and some flavour so you can uplift yourselves up to the rest of us. [BLEEP!]

M To the gentleman who replied to my rant about leashes - you have just compared black people to dogs! You should not have an animal or anyone or anything in your charge. I’d hoped for a credible rebuttal. Your comments reveal a tendency to harm that is far deeper than a dog bite. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M To the person who compared dogs to the human rights of black people. I don’t know exactly what’s going on with all the dogs on the mountain, but the self-righteousness of these YUPPIE LIFESTYLE ADDICTS with their dogs is amazing. I mean, you can’t compare the two. Dogs are animals. If black people were running around smelling people’s butts or taking sandwiches out of little kids’ hands and biting joggers, I’d have them leashed up, too. It’s a preposterous argument! I mean, put your dog on a leash. It’s a city, it’s not the suburbs, it’s not the country. [BLEEP!]

M For the guy who’s afraid of black people. Maybe you should go back to where you came from in Europe and just remember: black people, when they see white people, are just as terrified as you. They’re afraid because every time white people are afraid, they shoot first, they bomb first and ask questions later after everyone is DEAD. "Oh, we’re sorry we killed you and destroyed everything." Black people are afraid you’re gonna call the police when you see them and the police will show up and SHOOT them first and only ask questions later. [BLEEP!]

M This is to the heartless person who stole a LITTLE HOT DOG dog from the body piercing tattoo place at 3800 St-Laurent Blvd. The dog has been a fixture at that store and we all love him very much and someone picked him up and stole him, not knowing that he needs his medication. He could die without it and he probably really misses his owner right now. So if anybody sees someone walking around with a little WIENER dog, call out the name Buster and if he responds, then punch the guy who has it and take the dog back to 3800 St-Laurent. There’s also a reward. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

F [With snooty, apparently legitimate British accent] This is for the anti-British wanker who wants to spit in my face. You say you don’t want us here. Is that why everyone who hears my accent wants to sleep with me? Methinks I detect a slight inferiority complex here. We’re the reason you speak the English language in the first place! Oh, and just for the record, there is no such thing as a British accent. If you looked on the map you’d find it consists of more than just England. Thank you. Good night. [BLEEP!]

M [With not-so-snooty, apparently legitimate British accent] To the annoying snooty legitimate British accent person. What are you talking about? What Third World habit they have of spitting everywhere? Where are you from? Bloody Victorian England? We English even invented a word for it. It’s called GOBBING and we gob everywhere! So what the hell are you on about?! [BLEEP!]

F This is just my two cents to add to the Tam Tam Tits debate. The last girl who ranted was yabbering on about being a comfortable C and someone else told her to get implants - what is all of this competition about breast size? I’ve got a really small B and you know what? They’re firm and they’re PERKY and they POINT TO THE SKY and every man I’ve ever been with has loved nothing less than sticking the whole damn thing in his mouth and you know what? I’m really comfortable with that so y’all let’s have no competition, let’s all LOVE OUR TITS the way they are. I’m happy small, you’re happy big. All men like them, at least the straight ones. And to all gay men, I love you. [BLEEP!]

F This rant is for my insecure bitch neighbour downtown who left me a note in the alleyway calling me a horny whore for masturbating to porn videos in the privacy of my own home. They were lesbian porn, by the way, and next time you come and PEEP in my window, maybe I’ll let you come in and stick your ugly mug between my legs where you belong, bitch. And if you’re lucky I might even piss in your face. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum