M Hi. This rant goes out to all those soulless and mindless F1 racing fans who litter St-Laurent Boulevard every year with their consumption-obsessed tendencies. Praise Jah for sending so much rain this weekend, forcing all the chi chi St-Laurent bars and restaurants to abandon their little posh terrasses in the downpour. I mean, come on Montreal, are you not sick of seeing greasebag men and women covered in makeup and cell phones? And spending money on useless shit, making themselves look ugly? Fuck F1 racing week and fuck anyone who tries to impress their girl or boyfriend by decking out in Ferrari wear and cruising the Main to show off their disgustingness. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M To the weed-smoking guy who referred to a rant that I left in September. What I said was that the Rolling Stones were shit. I said they were overrated and that the only thing they and KISS - another shit band - have in common is that they both recorded shit disco songs. As for who could take who in a fight, well, first of all, Ozzy is not only burned out but also seems to have a touch of Parkinson’s. So leave the guy alone. Mick Jagger sucked David Bowie’s cock and he took it in his ass. You understand what I’m saying? Ever heard "Cocksucker Blues," where he talks about being a lonely schoolboy and he’s looking for a place to get his ass fucked for cash? Remember that? To make a long story short, maybe Ozzy has his problems but Tony Iommi can kick every member of the Rolling Stones’ ass. He can kick your fucking ass too. [BLEEP!]

F Is there anyone who can call in and tell me where there’s good English MUSICAL THEATRE groups in Montreal, like where somebody who likes to SING BROADWAY could join? And for the lady who’s asking about the nipple juice. Well, you should go check it out with your doctor because you could have a hormonal imbalance or something as rare as a pituitary tumour - although with enough stimulation, most women can produce some form of milk or fluid. There’s some medical advice from this nurse. [BLEEP!]

F Hi. This is for the guy who wishes he could walk up to everybody on the street and tell them that he loves them. Well, I love you too. I just wish I could go up to my neighbour and say, "Hey, you know what - I love you," but this world sucks and everybody’s too busy being hateful and jealous. But I love you and you love me and that’s all that matters. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, to that McLovey Guy who wants to hug everyone in the street. Don’t do that to me, man! I can be hugged by people who care for me and that I care for because I am NORMAL. And you are not so that’s why you are stuck trying to hug everyone. So stay away from me! [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to the British asshole talking about Montrealers’ habit of spitting on the street. Look, buddy, if our habits bother you, why don’t you take your PASTY white ass with your dogshit-sucking-through-your-nose accent back to where it came from? And, furthermore, how about we change our habit of spitting everywhere into only spitting at cocksuckers like you right in the face? Okay? We don’t need you here. We didn’t ask you here. We don’t want you here! [BLEEP!]

F [With snooty, apparently legitimate British accent] Why is it that every time anybody from the U.K. calls in to the Rant Line™, you preface their words by stating that they have a "snooty British accent"? I think the Mirror is guilty of racism on this issue. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. I am responding to the guy who would like people to leave their dogs at home if they’re off the leash. I didn’t realize we could shape the world to cater to our fears but I’m gonna try it too. Ummm, I’m afraid of BLACK PEOPLE and I know they don’t know it, but when they’re walking towards me, they may think that they’re a gentle, intelligent and kind, rational person but, to the rest of us, they’re just a fast approaching imminent threat and I would just like to plead to all black people to please just stay home because I’m afraid. So thank you very much. [BLEEP!]

M All right, it’s Friday morning and I’m super bummed out. Someone broke into my car yesterday and stole my KAYAK and my kayak was pretty much my life. I paddled every day in Lachine - going out in the rapids was pretty much my life and what saved me. So whoever stole a PURPLE kayak from my car while breaking the window, you fucking suck! [BLEEP!]

F Hi. I’m the girl who said that Tam Tam Tits is possibly needing a little too much attention. I’m saying there should be PLENTY OF TITS and topless girls at Tam Tams but no competitiveness about it and, frankly, to the flat girl who thinks I need implants, I’m a comfortable C, you need some help. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Can anyone tell me where young couples who have kids hang out? Thank you. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum