M Hi, my name is Ryan Stick and I play for a local punk band called Judgemental. I just played a show at the Rainbow a week or two ago, and it was a charitable event, and it has just come to my attention that a lot of people didn’t PAY. And I just want to say to all those people, “Fuck you!” It was a charitable event with all the money going to Parkinson’s Disease—which my best friend’s mother happens to have! Anyway, I don’t give a shit if you think you’re fucking Axl Rose and too good to pay for a fuckin’ charity—fuck you! [BLEEP!]

F I’m calling to rant about the amount of coverage not-so-good bands get on TV. I just saw the new J-Lo video and her song’s actually not that good, but you know we’re going to see that video all the time. Yet there are so many good Montreal bands out there! I just bought a CD a called Tuesday 5 and it kicks ass! It’s a young Montreal band—two girls—no one knows who they are. Their music kicks ass! My challenge to everyone is to explore the Montreal music scene more—even the bands that don’t get on TV, because they are the ones that kick ass the most. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the guy who wants to know where to freestyle. There’s a party called Naked Lounge and it’s on Saturday, June 14, 2003. Hip hop, reggae and merengue. There’s a freestyle battle from 9:30 p.m. till 3 a.m. at 372 Crémazie, above the Buzz Club, two minutes from metro Crémazie. Tickets are $8, $12 at the door. [BLEEP!]

M Yes, I was just smoking some weed there, and I was thinking about a rant I saw last September from this guy saying that the Rolling Stones were shit and that after 40 years they had no business touring and that Black Sabbath were the best thing ever. Well, Ozzy is coming and Ozzy has only been going at it for 35 years, since 1969, and he’s a real pathetic piece of shit compared to Mick Jagger, who is only five years older than him. He has even less business touring than the Rolling Stones and I bet you Keith Richards could beat the shit out of him in a BACK ALLEY. Hell, even Charlie Watts could beat the shit out of him! Imagine, Charlie Watts, 62 years old, beating the shit out of the so-called King of Heavy Metal. Isn’t that pathetic? Now we see who the real punks, who the real rockers are, eh? [BLEEP!]

M What’s going on? Why are we so alone? Why can’t I just go up to a stranger on the street and tell them how I feel, and how much I need them? Because I need you and we need each other. We need each other to make it through this RIDICULOUS life. I just want everyone to know that I love everything and everyone and that I would do anything for anyone. I just wish everything could be like that. I love you. [BLEEP!]

F First there was the chick complaining that she couldn’t go topless at the Tam Tams and there was a chick bitching that she was a slut, an exhibitionist, and just needs attention. Well, I think that second girl has an insecurity problem and should get some IMPLANTS. Because if you have a problem seeing other girls’ tits that’s very, very sad. You are the one who is insecure, my dear. I am a woman and I wouldn’t mind seeing MORE TITS around the Tam Tam jams. And that’s all I’ve got to say. [BLEEP!]

M For the woman who says testosterone is a more aggressive and arrogant hormone than estrogen. Girl, have you dated women? I don’t think so. [BLEEP!]

M I have a very serious plea to all dog owners. Your dear pup, as sweet as they may be to your eyes, to the rest of us look like a fast approaching imminent THREAT. You know as well as I do that your rapid and stern repetition of the dog’s name does nothing to dissuade it. I assume, since you’ve chosen to look after this pet, that you have in your heart some compassion. Well how about having some compassion for those whose moods, day, LIVES are ruined by a dog owner’s carelessness. If you leave your dog off a leash, leave your dog at home! [BLEEP!]

M [with snooty, apparently legitimate British accent] Let’s hope that SARS never gets to Montreal. If it does, then Montrealers will have to immediately stop that disgusting THIRD WORLD HABIT they have of spitting everywhere. [BLEEP!]

F About the green bananas. I’ll let you know that some people actually use these green bananas to cook. Maybe you should travel more. [BLEEP!]

F My friends don’t believe me but when I suck on my own nipples I taste JUICE and it’s quite sweet. So I was wondering if this was regular in women who aren’t pregnant or if it’s just for big-breasted women. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I have a question. If all the women that you see in the street today are dressed like prostitutes, then what do the prostitutes look like? That’s my question. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum