by CHRIS BARRY

Name: David José Dos Santos

Nickname: The Messiah

Age: 20

Occupation: Telemarketer

Cologne: Polo Sport

Bio: This Rigaud resident and former muffin man at the Ultramar off the 40 in St-Lazare spends his days selling magazine subscriptions, credit cards, long-distance plans and "other stuff like that" from a 100-man-strong call centre in Vaudreuil. Having recently dropped out of the Fine Arts program at John Abbott College because "I'm not really book smart," David says he is "a very philosophical person. I will dwell on even the most minor things. It gets on people's nerves a lot." He also claims to have never spat in the muffins he once prepared at his former place of employment.

Something he could never, ever do: Sell a product he didn't personally believe in. "I've known people who have done this, and I've told them, ‘Dude, you are a piece of shit, you have no morals.'"

Should you actually choose to buy something that he's hustling, does your name go on some kind of "sucker" list that will have telemarketers calling you up 20 times a day trying to sell you even more stuff? "I wouldn't know anything about that."

Percentage of "customers" who tell him to go fuck himself or are otherwise rude to him: "70 per cent, easily. But most of the time the products I'm offering can really help people, so this is what drives me to carry on."

Do potential "customers" ever threaten to hunt him down and kill him? "Yes, but in my head I'm going, ‘Hey, just try to find me. I dare you.'"

Is he ever tempted to call people who have been rude to him back, after work hours, and torment them mercilessly? "Tempted yes, but I've never done it. This would be against the confidentiality agreements I've signed. And the people who have done this and been caught have been fired, and probably fined. It's very illegal, you know."

Is he constantly amazed at how much personal information people will give a total stranger over the phone? Yes.

Approximate percentage of people who are only too happy to give him their SIN number: "A good 40 per cent."

One example of something a telemarketer can't take too personally: When you reach an answering machine in the Bible Belt, where the message is a big long evangelical rant concluding with the words, "And if you are a telemarketer, we condemn you to Hell."

Did he leave a message mentioning that, as he labours as a full-time telemarketer, he is already in Hell? No.

Last book read: Something Under the Bed is Drooling: A Calvin and Hobbes Collection, by Bill Watterson.

Something else he is doing: Creating a comic strip based on his life that he would like to see syndicated someday.

Musical preferences: Blink 182, Good Charlotte.

A recent film that he felt "kicked ass": X2: X-Men United.

Television preferences: Undergrads, Dilbert.

Where he hangs: The Oval at John Abbott.

Words of wisdom: "Don't think too much or you will get a headache."

Comments? dimwit@openface.ca