by KRISTIAN GRAVENOR

The following bizarre, unexpected and somewhat eye-opening scientific discoveries have come to my attention.

You are black Genetic researchers have learnt that everybody's ancestors were black and came from Africa and had brown skin, a feature that helps humans avoid overdosing on Vitamin D. A mere 50 Africans left 60,000 years ago and occupied gloomy Europe and their skin eventually turned pink, which helps absorb Vitamin D, without which you catch rickets. The same research has also proven that skin colour is meaningless. Only six of our 30,000 to 40,000 genes control pigmentation. A white person could be more genetically similar to a black person than two people of the purportedly same "race" (a silly term). Thus, a whole bunch of scientists conclude, "race" is a hoax. It doesn't exist.

SARS tastes, smells good Hong Kong researchers blame SARS on the civet cat, which many Chinese raise and eat. Tons of the corona virus live in civet poop, which doesn't seem to bother the civet but doesn't do humans much good. If you wear Chanel, Cartier or Lancôme perfume, you might be familiar with the bums of civets. According to animals rights group WSPA, perfume companies farm civets in places like Ethiopia, where workers scrape their anal sacs out for a substance that eventually gets used in perfume. The world's most expensive coffee also comes from civet bums. It's called kopi luwak, only 500 pounds are harvested per year and it costs $400 (U.S.) a pound. Producers get the tasty brew by making the civet swallow coffee beans and then subsequently collecting them from his poop.

Sniffing you out For about eight years, scientists have been working on a device that can detect and analyze odours. It's rigged with sensors and receptors and electrical gauges and it actually works. Indeed, the darn electronic noses work so well that they're already being used in such places as candy factories, which toss stuff off the assembly line that doesn't smell right. Various scientific studies have shown that diabetes and cancer can all be sniffed out and diagnosed by the machine. They've got a handheld model now too. You can imagine that in a couple of years people might conceivably secretly flick one of these on in your presence and quickly learn your entire medical condition or discover what embarrassing fluids are present on your body.

Cancer mice Meanies in white smocks have been injecting cancer into white mice. This year they found a rodent that didn't get cancer in spite of the injections. So they've mapped him out and started wondering about the genetics of people who shake off cancer like it's a bad cold. I don't know why it took them so long to ponder this, but if there's a cancer immunity gene and you've got it, then you might want to boast about this to potential mates on the dating line.

Aural graffiti Traptec, of Escondido, California, has invented an alarm that goes off when it hears the sound of an aerosol can being sprayed, thus allowing you to descend on and apprehend graffiti artists betrayed by the telltale noise. None of these devices are installed in Montreal at the moment, according to what they tell me. None yet, anyway.

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Welcome Saint Bob. The Habs' new GM has been one of my favourite Montrealers since I was in high school and mailed him an invitation to speak to my fellow stragglers after school. He showed up and gave a speech that went: "I don't have a speech, but if you have questions, fire away." The students had no shortage of questions. A couple of years later, I went to a playoff game and Gainey was given a penalty at a crucial point in the match. With 17,000 pairs of eyes watching him dramatically skate over to the box, Gainey looked up and saw me in the crowd and gave me a tiny nod. It seemed like an exceptionally courteous gesture.

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