F This is for the guy with the enlightened view of female musicians who lumped the Go-Gos in with the Spice Girls. Though he couldn't possibly have had his HEAD far enough up his ASS to seriously mean all of that, I thought I'd respond just in case. The reason there are more male musicians than female is because A) men don't get pregnant and B) testosterone is a more aggressive and ARROGANT HORMONE than estrogen is. Thus a lot of grown men fulfill their need to throw tantrums and berate by venting on stage. Also, when guys who want to be left alone continually label female musicians as all-girl bands - or whatever gendered name - it merely proves that no matter how wise you think you are by leaving girls out, you really are still thinking with your dick. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, Rant Line™. This is Anik, the bassist of Pandora. I'd like to tell the girl that's looking for musicians that me and my very talented hot and WILD LESBIAN guitarist Julie will be hosting a big party only for girl musicians. Girls musicians from all over the world - Japan, U.S., France and all the Montreal rock chicks. Of course, having an all-girl band is great - just avoid having that TIME OF THE MONTH thing because playing a show with someone who looks like they're going to rip somebody's face off is not cool. Also, avoid girls with too many issues who never stop babbling in the jam room or the fucking cunts who never pay their debts. To know the location and everything, you can reach us at Pandora_band@yahoo.ca or our Web site www.pandora.cjb.net. Also we will not accept fucking airheads with bad attitudes who throw beer in people's faces. Peace. And also, don't miss our show at Saphir on June 7. Ciao bella. [BLEEP!]

M For the idiot talking about people who have to DRESS hip hop because they LISTEN to hip hop. You're a moron, because hip hop is a type of music and not a trend, hello? Fucking moron. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, this is Eric giving a shout out to two of the most talented and natural musicians I had the pleasure to go to high school with. The guitarist was named Keevan Tom, the drummer was his brother Kieron Tom. They did Zeppelin covers back in the late '80s and early '90s. The last bands I saw them in were the JEZEBEL SEED and ELECTRIC MAGIC. Where the hell are you guys? I'd love to get back in touch with you because I'm an actor now and I could use some of your musical talent for some plays and stuff. I really miss you, dudes, it's been a long time and I hope you're still playing that groovy Zeppelin music. I loved you back then, I'm sure I'd still love you now. [BLEEP!]

F For the chick who wants to sunbathe topless on the mountain. Okay, this is the score. In Montreal, it's technically KIND OF illegal to take your top off, but at spectacles and big public events and stuff like that, it's okay. It's turned a blind eye to mostly at Tam Tams. But if they fine you, turn around and sue them for obstruction of your human rights - especially if you're doing it in an area where you have a bunch of guys sunbathing with their tops off. You have the same rights as 50 per cent of the population! And I will be there and I will take my top off too, because that shit is not cool. [BLEEP!]

F Yes, hello. This is Darcia, or as you idiots on the Rant Line™ used to call me, TAM TAM TITS. I just want that girl to know that anybody can expose their breasts on the mountain, but if they aren't NICE ONES nobody is going to pay attention to you for long. I used to expose my beautiful breasts at the Tam Tam all the time and the police never bothered me, though I did get a lot of attention from all of the people who admired them. So you shouldn't be worried about the police - but you should be worried about me! Because if I see you take yours out I'm going to come up right beside you so people can compare whose breasts are nicer. And I have the most spectacular breasts in all of Montreal, and everybody knows it! So get ready to be humiliated, bitch. [BLEEP!]

M The woman who was talking about taking her top off at the mountain made me think about one thing: I hate cops. I hate them with a passion. But if there's anything I hate worse, it's those little BABY COPS, the ones who wear the white shirts and patrol the mountain and tell people what to do. And since they don't have guns, you always have the temptation to stand up to them. But if you do, they get on their CB, the only weapon they've got, and call the REAL COPS over. I really want to can one of those guys this summer. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. My friend just finished putting CHEESECAKE inside his girlfriend's twat and he ate her out. He said it was really good but can't she get infected? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum