by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

The heist-movie genre, resurrected by Quentin Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, has just had another big, loud nail pounded into its second coffin. The Italian Job is a remake - seeing as how Hollywood's been shit outta original ideas for some time now - and it disgraces the original as much as the genre as a whole. Put simply, if the Brits could make a clever, exciting caper flick on a fraction of this remake's budget three decades ago, why can't Hollywood do so now?

Let's compare. The original was called The Italian Job for a reason: it took place in splendid, scenic Rome, Italy. That's why one would call it The Italian Job, and not the "let's spend 10 minutes in Venice and then scurry back to the nice, familiar USA" job. Strike one.

Next: the original boasted a charismatic lead in the great Michael Caine, abetted by the likes of Noel Coward and Benny Hill. This new Job parades the "usual suspects" of current heist flicks - Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Seth Green, Jason Statham and Edward Norton - delivering their deadweight dialogue with the gusto of strangers making small talk at a bus stop. Strike two (except for Norton, who was reportedly ready to walk off this turkey till the producers plied him with a free Aston-Martin car).

Finally, the original was largely a showcase for wild, elaborate, crash-bang stunts with a trio of Mini Coopers, and it closed on, quite literally, a cliffhanger. This remake has the three Mini Coopers and doesn't do damn much of anything with them (plus, the wrap-up has all the punch of a Scooby-Doo episode's resolution - once you've seen every Scooby-Doo episode).

Strike three - you're out.

The good news is, the hard-to-find original, long out of print on video, is set to be re-released this month. In fact, it would be out already, but the studio realized it would cast an even more glaring light on their remake's shortcomings. Be smart, grab the Caine version - and avoid this remake like the plague.

The Italian Job opens Friday, May 30

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