M I gotta rant about the nightclubs in Montreal. What’s the deal? They’re all playing hip hop but they won’t let us hip hop people inside! Instead, they let in Ginos with TIGHT PANTS. What’s with the dress code? It’s hip hop music, you dress like a hip hop person—what’s the problem? [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is the LAZY MUSICIAN to the BIG GRUMP. I’m no optimist but your negative ranting is bemusing. What have you got against musicians? My point is that anyone brave enough to attempt to make a living off their creativity and talent can have my welfare dollar any day—they’ll need it. What’s old is your sophomoric point about welfare. We all know abuse is bad, but how about some constructive ideas and solutions? Think positive. Oh, and mocking Toronto is ALWAYS fun. And Barfly rocks—even you would have a good time there. [BLEEP!]

F Lots of musicians are on the dole. The only way to make it as an entertainer is to have DADDY be part of a fashion or a club empire or if your dad was, at one time, prime minister of Canada. [BLEEP!]

F This is the girl looking for musicians, to that loser who answered my rant. It’s funny that you say I should get a girl band because I’ve only tried out male musicians and you know what? They couldn’t keep up. A lot of guys like you are pissed off at women for whatever reasons and you get intimidated when a woman is as good or even better than you musically. It can happen, dude. I’m not a feminist, I’m a musician. Female or male—who gives a shit when you’re listening to the music? Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hello, Rant Line™. This is your good old friend, Papa Joe. I just had to call because you’ve got some numbnuts here bitching about the Spoonman on Ste-Catherine. Give me a break, buddy—he’s obviously got more balls than you. Why don’t you grab a set of spoons and hit the street all day? You’ve got nothing better to do than sit in your apartment and bitch about the Spoonman and you’re calling us stupid? I think you should grab a set of spoons, go down to Ste-Catherine and stick those spoons up your ass. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Oh, thank God someone else hates the Spoonman. The man is cynical, sour-faced, unmusical and is a blight on the city centre landscape. Oh, may he suffer long in kitchen implement hell for the shit he’s put us downtowners through. [BLEEP!]

M Attention promoters of the Anarchist Bookfair. Just because you’re prepared to cover up other people’s posters and paste over the storefront windows of small independent businesses doesn’t necessarily mean you’re bravely living out your IDEOLOGY. In fact, it may just mean you’re a group of well-organized assholes. [BLEEP!]

M There ain’t no such thing as a wrong vagina, lady. Even the STINKY ones feel good when you’re inside them. Long live vaginal pride! [BLEEP!]

F To answer that girl—I don’t think there is such a thing as a wrong penis. I used to have a boyfriend with a LONG SKINNY ONE that curved upwards at the end and it was really cute—even if it looked kind of funny. Some people would say he was a bit of a freak, but that curved cock of his gave me some of the best orgasms I’ve ever had in my life that weren’t brought on by my vibrator. I’ve had many different penises in my vagina many times and none of them have not fit or not been able to do the job. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

F This might sound silly but I’d like to know if anybody knows what’s going on with the GOLDFISH in the lake in Parc Lafontaine. They empty the lake in the winter and I wonder what happened with last summer’s goldfish—did they die? Do they keep them somewhere? Because now they have these small tiny fish and these other huge ones that look like they’re a couple of years old. I was thinking of putting a goldfish in there—just so I could have one of my fish in there too—but I don’t know if it’s going to die or not. I’d appreciate it if someone could help me out. Love to you all. [BLEEP!]

M Hi. To whoever is shooting up in Parc Lafontaine. I don’t care what you do with your life but just don’t leave your fucking NEEDLE in the grass, okay? Bye. [BLEEP!]

F Am I allowed to sunbathe on the mountain with my TOP OFF or what? Are they going to fine me or put me in jail just because my TITS are exposed or has Montreal finally grown up into a modern city like Toronto, where suntanning topless is cool with everybody. I was up at the Tam Tams today and wanted to take off my shirt but my friend Lisa said it was illegal. I can’t afford to pay any fines so I didn’t want to take any chances. But I can’t really believe this is the situation in a city like Montreal. So does anybody know for sure what the legalities are on this? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum