by MARK SLUTSKY

If you’ve ever secretly nursed the desire to see Albert Brooks in a thong, then there’s a wonderful treat in store for you—a new movie called The In-Laws that features just that rare sight. However, if that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, and you also don’t like watching the depressing and the horrible, you’d be advised to give this one a pass.

The In-Laws is actually a remake of Arthur Hiller’s 1979 movie of the same name, which starred Alan Arkin and a thong-less Peter Falk. The 2003 version is directed by Andrew Fleming (responsible for the miles-better Dick) and features Michael Douglas opposite Brooks. Douglas plays a deep-cover CIA agent who’s trying to buy a submarine from, or for, a crime lord, or an arms dealer, or something. It’s not made very clear. Brooks is a podiatrist (the fact that he’s a foot doctor is treated like it’s a hilarious joke unto itself) whose daughter (Lindsay Sloane) is engaged to Douglas’s son, played by Ryan Reynolds. Brooks and family aren’t aware of Douglas’s top-secret profession, which is sort of the comic basis of the movie.

Anyway, through a series of improbable and idiotic incidents (I honestly can’t remember the particulars) Brooks and Douglas are thrown together and go on a mission—to France! Where they meet a homosexual! Like the joke about Brooks being a podiatrist, the fact that a character is gay (a bad guy, no less) was apparently wildly funny to someone behind this film. Actually, I didn’t even realize they made movies so baldly homophobic anymore—there’s even a gag about how much the guy’s going to enjoy being raped in prison.

In addition to all of the humourless jokes in this movie, and the surprise appearance of KC and the Sunshine Band (tellingly, a high point) it’s also completely confusing, with none of the characters’ motivation ever adequately explained. Why does Brooks weep and complain his way through the entire movie? Is there a reason for this, or is it just supposed to be funny? One thing’s for sure: funny, The In-laws ain’t.

The In-laws opens Friday, May 23

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