M To the guy who ranted about LAZY MUSICIANS, consider this. How do you think your favourite bands got started? By not listening to the many people like you constantly telling them to stop dreaming, get a real job, give up their artistic endeavour for 9-to-5 drudgery. I've been a lazy musician for 15 years in Montreal, the best city in the world for this sort of thing. I've never been on welfare, but I have been hanging out, picking up women, writing, performing, recording, having fabulous kicks. It's a great life, you should try it. I feel sorry for you - you sound like you're from Toronto. You may be better employed than me, you may have more money, but are you happier? Doesn't sound like it. So to all the lazy artists in Montreal, don't give up. Get focused, get your work out in the community, stay positive and keep on dreaming. And thanks to Montreal, my beloved city of lazy musicians. [BLEEP!]

M This is for everyone out there wondering what April 20 has to do with marijuana. My name is Boris, I'm the leader of the Marijuana Party and I think I can clear this up. 4:20 is a code word people use when they say they wanna go smoke a joint. It came from California. Nowadays, some people like to smoke a joint at 4:20, but the time of day is kind of a stupid reason to smoke a joint. So now it's used as the POTHEAD'S NEW YEAR, which is April 20 - four for the month of April and 20 for the day, giving you 4:20. That said, there's also another event going on May 3, at the Berri metro, and that's the Million Marijuana March. So, regardless of your reasons, any day is a good day to be an activist to legalize pot. So come and join us on May 3. And for anyone who thinks that pot was born on April 20, well, they should go off the stash because they're getting a little too carried away. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

M There is fresh cheese and then there's French cheese and I think the same applies to rap. [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to the female who called in to say that obviously a lot of guys would pay to have sex with BIG HEIFERS. I totally agree. Large women are beautiful. However, she also goes on to say what's so great about fucking skinny girls anyway, because we would feel like we could break them in half if we THRUST too hard. I hate to say it, but on behalf of the male majority who like skinny girls, I think that's the whole attraction, that whole power dominance thing. It kind of inflates the whole male ego. Like, the smaller the girl, the bigger your dick looks, right? And that's pathetic but that's the truth in a lot of guys' minds. I just figured I'd let you know. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the Curious Female Photographer who I met last year through the Rant Line™. I tried to reach you at your address but your address doesn't exist anymore. This is Michel the Transvestite who posed for you last September. I'd really like to pose for you again. I've got some NEW IDEAS if you're still interested. Or, if any other photographer is interested, please e-mail me at michellanpron@hotmail.com. Thanks. [BLEEP!]

F To the knife-carrying butch dyke. As you may have noticed, Magnolia is the only lesbian bar left in this city and it is packed with nothing but couples. If you like to kiss as much as I do, I suggest that you go to Unity 2. It has provided me a lot of SEXY KISSING ACTION over the years. Come by sometime on a Friday night, I'm a cute femme who doesn't carry a knife, but I'd be willing to keep an eye open for that long shaft of yours. By the way, why do you feel the need to mention the fact that you carry a knife in the first place? [BLEEP!]

F I'm tired of all those crazy little fuckers who think they're really cute and really sexy but when you start to kiss them, they kiss like freakin' camels! It's really disgusting. And, anyway, that sucks. You know there's this other dude with a big nose and stupid hair? Oh yeah, he's got really stupid little muscles. And there's the other four foot dude, he's cool. And then there's the other tall dude that thinks he's really hot and everything but he's got a BEER BELLY or he's starting to have one. And then there's the other girl - the annoying girl. This is what you get for good coffee? Fuck it. [BLEEP!]

F Has anybody out there ever had a relationship with a CHIC BODY MASSAGE, a device from the '50s? These things rule! Get this, you can get these babies for $2 at Catholic church bazaars. So instead of paying $46 U.S. for the Magic Wand, get yourself a Chic Body Massage machine. Glorify your figure and get satisfied. If you get yourself one of these babies I promise you are going to finish up every week, gloriously, watching bad French porn on TV, like me. Have fun. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum