M So I just saw Kelly Osbourne for the millionth time, whining in her "I can't decide if I'm British or American" accent, and it occurs to me, at this point in the game, the only way Ozzy could possibly redeem himself would be if he committed SUICIDE - and in a very grandiose fashion at that. Not just a bullet to the head or a hanging. It would have to be on some sort of BLACK ALTAR, with rituals. Redeem himself as a heavy metal icon. Even better, he could murder his whole family and then kill himself and then reclaim his title as the dark priest of rock and roll music. It's something to think about, Ozzy, if you're reading this. Think about murdering your family and then killing yourself and then Sabbath fans around the world will rejoice… in pain. [BLEEP!]

F Anyone who knows anything about Montreal art or music know that Kops Krew hold down the title of being talented. But they ruin any chance of appreciation or potential by being the biggest egotistical players on earth. So, hey guys, give me a shout and I'll help you pull your heads out of your asses. [BLEEP!]

M I went to the Talib Kweli show a couple of weeks ago and the show was good, performances were good. Great vibes. Good crowd. But - big but - the soundmen in Montreal for hip hop shows, there are only two guys to hire. There's Rod, who's been doing sound for over 20 years, and Haig Vartzbedian of Zoobone Records. These two guys can give you the lows, the highs and the mids so you can hear the melody and the bass as well as the microphones on the MCs. So please, if we're gonna have great hip hop shows like these, let's hire the best soundmen so we can have 100 per cent sound and performance, everything at once. Let's get the sound right. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, is it just me or is the MULRONEY kid a total fucking idiot? I think, Ben? Is that his name? I was watching the intro to the Junos - for which, I guess, I'm a total fucking idiot - and couldn't help noticing that all the bands coming out to chat with this guy couldn't seem to stand him. I'm wondering, who let this guy near a fucking microphone? Like, I really have to ask. Music scene, Canadian and Mulroney. Something doesn't work. [BLEEP!]

F For the guy who referred to me as a Fat Nazi Whore. I was not going to reply but since your rant gave my cause more LEGITIMACY in one paragraph than I have gotten in the past year, I feel you are due a response. First of all, a spokesman for anti-racism threatening to rape and murder a woman only shows what kind of people are involved in these organizations. Secondly, in theory you disagree with our views because you feel they are directed by hate, ignorance and naiveté, but your entire statement was the epitome of all those three. Furthermore, your cowardly slander and harassment - physical and otherwise - has done nothing more than strengthen my pursuit for freedom of opinion. And, lastly, last Saturday at the J.C., we faced you, we were outnumbered five to one, and we did not run. [BLEEP!]

F This is a KNIFE-CARRYING butch dyke. What's with Montreal, man? All these lesbians out there are just looking for femme lesbians. You see butches with butches but you never see butches with femmes anymore. I'm just looking for someone who's femme-butch. If you know of any good clubs to go to kiss a woman - other than Magnolia, because there are just lesbian couples in there - rant back. [BLEEP!]

F Hi, Rant Line™. This goes out to the guy complaining about the gay community. I think you should be more worried about having a boyfriend named OJ rather than getting a good BJ. [BLEEP!]

F Yeah, this is for the man who likes BIG BLACK LADIES. You just hang out at the Korean Paradise at 8080 Newman in LaSalle. You'll find me there with my friend on a Sunday night. Good bye. [BLEEP!]

F In response to the Pisces in distress. Last month, the UNIVERSE left Aquarius and entered Pisces and will be there for another eight years. So you can expect this to bring sudden and unusual events, relationships, ideas and inspirations to all Pisces and Pisces-rising people. No, you're not losing your mind. Your mind is just adjusting because life is gonna be very unpredictable. Okay? Good luck. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I wanna know if PRESIDENT'S CHOICE products have anything to do with George Bush because if they do - or even if they don't - I think we should call for a mass boycott of President's Choice products. [BLEEP!]

M A reminder for all you pot smokers. This coming Sunday is April 20 and true pot smokers know what that means: marijuana's birthday. Which means you should be up on Mount Royal, next to the angel statue so you can share in the Tam Tam celebration of marijuana's birthday and stuff. And, oh, on the way here to Montreal, I just got myself a $132.50 ticket for hitch-hiking. We no longer live in a FREE COUNTRY. Bye. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum