by RUPERT BOTTENBERG

It's both fun and kind of sad to see a genuine giant of modern cinema, Chow Yun-Fat, futzing about in a mediocre B movie so far below his standard. Of course, an actor of Chow's skill and charisma is about all it takes to make a stinker like Bulletproof Monk watchable. Too bad his stilted English dulls the punch of half his best lines - and with a script this bad, good lines are few and far between.

The lousy script is in keeping with the wooden acting, dubious plot, incompetent editing and hack direction that blight this little number about a mystical Buddhist monk, a sacred scroll, power-hungry old Nazis and the rascally street urchin who might just be the scroll's next "protector." As the latter, Seann William Scott - whom some of you may have had the privilege of witnessing in such fare as American Pie and Dude, Where's My Car? - is largely irritating, which is I suppose a step up from the utter blankness of Jamie King as his love interest, Bad Girl. That blankness is of course mirrored by the "urban jungle" that is Toronto, where this was shot.

Here's something else. One appreciates the inclusion of Clash imitators the Transplants in the soundtrack, until one realizes that their music sets the stage for the utterly unnecessary appearance of one Mr. Funktastic. Check this guy out, he's all shirtless, tattooed and man-tittied, with a face that crosses John Leguizamo and the Rock, an English accent and - God forgive the costume designer - red plaid pants! He's just wrong in too many ways.

But all is not lost. The kung-fu in Bulletproof Monk has both grace and solid crunch and thud to it, there are some snappy bullet-time shots, and beloved Japanese-American sourpuss Mako pops up in a minor role. Too bad the film's best card is played right at the beginning. No, not the monk-fight on the rickety bridge over a mile-deep chasm, though that's fun. It's when the rotten Nazi gets jumped and horribly scarred by a vicious lil' capuchin monkey, then falls to the ground, howling "Aagh, I hate monkeys!" in a Nazi accent. Now that's good cinema!

Bulletproof Monk opens Friday, April 18

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