M Jake Brown, ranting again from Vancouver. I'm afraid I'm addicted to reading the Rant Line™ online. A girl rants in that REM does music that can keep you alive and this guy rants back and calls her a PANSY. Now, you don't call a woman a pansy. A pansy is a derogatory term for a male homosexual, making the ranter both homophobic and stupid. Now, for part two of how stupid he is. He said that goth music is better at keeping you alive. Is he aware that the first Marilyn Manson record was produced in Los Angeles at 10050 Cielo Drive in the house where, on October 8, 1969, the Manson family butchered Sharon Tate like a hog, including her unborn child and four other people? So the guy who ranted in is stupid, homophobic and MURDEROUS. And he can meet me for a fight, that's a threat. Just come to B.C. and find me, motherfucker! [BLEEP!]

M This is in response to a message they have on CHOM FM to metro street performers - the one that says that just because no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Well, as a metro street performer, I have a message to all you radio performers, and this is it. Just because you're on the radio, it doesn't mean you've got no talent. I realize this is a double negative, but you know what I mean. [BLEEP!]

M For the dumb fuck who wanted to know where to get opium. If you want the real stuff, then get help. If you can't get help, then get out of town so no one has to kick your rotten CARCASS out of the gutter. [BLEEP!]

F This goes out to the woman who's looking for a masturbation workshop. When I was going to McGill, they would have things like that every once in awhile. I think during Queer Week or Queer Month, and I think they were probably put on by the women's centre. So I suggest you start checking out college campuses. [BLEEP!]

F Hello Cutey Pie, if you're looking for a masturbation workshop I suggest you go down to Les Libertines sex club any night of the week. Go upstairs, and if you want to watch guys masturbating, this is the place for you. But honestly, it's not always much of a turn on watching some of these guys TUG on their dicks all night. Well, maybe sometimes it is, depending on the guys. But if you want to go to a masturbation workshop to better learn how to get yourself off, meet me at the Van Houtte in Place des Arts this Friday at 7 p.m. and I'll take you back to my crib and gladly show you a few tricks. I'll be the sexy dark-skinned woman near the back. Cum, why don't you. Peace out. [BLEEP!]

M This goes out to that stupid clown, the 10 Commandments dude. Dude, haven't you reached the Age of Reason yet? Are you so insane that you actually think that there's some INVISIBLE MAN in the sky looking out after you? [BLEEP!]

M Just think what America will look like when George Bush is finished with it. There'll be no west coast, it will all be under water because he'll have triggered the earthquake. New York and a lot of the east coast will be flooded - so there will go the economy. There's gonna be a big fucking strait in the middle of the country and America will be a much better place because it won't be big enough to BULLY anybody anymore and they'll have to re-learn their God-given values and be nice again. Atlantis will come up again, too, thanks to George Bush. We've gotta thank George, he's gonna reduce the global population by two-thirds. He's gonna change the geography of the world. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, Hades runner. I used to be Orpheus. What's your name this time around? Please give it to me in a code only I can crack so we can renounce the embarrassment of this spectacle in the Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

F I'm not interested in midget prostitutes, but I'm wondering if anybody out there knows where I can find a guy prostitute who isn't a GAY. Or a gay just pretending to be straight. 'Cuz I've heard that all the men who do this in Montreal are gays. It's my roommates 25th birthday next month - she's going to be a quarter of a century this April - and I want to get her something special, you know, to celebrate - but without any hassle or bullshit. I guess all I want to do is to get some amazingly good-looking guy over here that we can play with and who will do whatever we ask him to do without any bullshit, no questions asked, no macho crap, you know? Just shut up, LOOK PRETTY, and do what we tell you to do, stud. [sighing] Mmm, yes. But I don't really have too much money because I'm only a student, not some rich ugly millionairess bitch from Outremont. So can somebody rant back and help me realize this fantasy for my friend? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum