by CHRIS BARRY

Vancouver's Betti Forde and Jenni Craige are Stink Mitt, two "camel-toed superstar rockin' MCs with big tits and mouths that put Eminem to shame."

Legend has it that Jenni, a hefty-sized single mother of six struggling to survive in beautiful suburban Surrey, BC, was lured into the nebulous world of indie rap while trying to locate the father of one of her babies. She didn't find the man but, instead, unearthed sex-addicted, pill-popping lowlife MC Betti Forde instead.

With "mysterious" keyboard whiz Dr. Do This and producer Mr. Bigstuff "getting' they backs," they became Stink Mitt, released the highly celebrated demo Smell the Mitt shortly afterwards, began touring the country and in recent months have started shakin' up the Canadian music scene with a vengeance not seen since the heyday of the Raes.

With sure-fire radio hits like "Bangin' on my Clit," "Sloppy Sock" and "The Harder We Cum," Stink Mitt's soon to be released debut CD Scratch and Sniff, due out on the Teenage USA label - former home of fellow potty-mouth Peaches - will undoubtedly launch these two self-avowed "cougars" in to the upper stratosphere of Canadian mega-stardom. The Mirror cornered MC Betti Forde earlier this week, and spoke to her over a very shaky cell phone connection from Vancouver. This is what she had to say.

Mirror: So, um, what might a Stink Mitt be exactly?

BF: Are you serious? What do you think it is? It's a stinky pussy.

M: Oh by golly, I feel so silly now.

BF: A pussy has many dimensions, right? Sometimes it's stinky, sometimes it's soggy, you know? You do know, don't you?

M: Well, I've heard a few rumours. So where do you get your clothes? You both seem to have a Pete Burns, Dead or Alive, 1980s kind of thing going on.

BF: Who's Pete Burns? Oh, Dead or Alive. Yeah, sure, definitely, a huge influence. I used to manage a Mariposa, so, uh, we get most of our clothes there. It's a great mall chain store. Here [in Vancouver] people think we're kind of tacky - like headbangers - but if we were in Montreal we would probably just look like Montrealers. Aren't Québécois people like, total bangers? Don't all you guys have, like, mullets? You know, with the super tight jeans and fanny packs. I know you all wear fanny packs in Quebec.

M: Yes, of course we do. Most notably the children. Hey, and speaking of children, you chicks describe yourselves as cougars, right?

BF: Well, I don't know. We just want to get laid. And young boys are always down to fuck because they're so horny all the time. You get these older guys with their limp dicks and, like, it's not our problem. We fuck young boys and people call us names for that, but whatever, they're just jealous. We get a lot of e-mail from underage boys but we don't always know if they're cops or not. Don't cops spend a lot of time online posing as young boys to catch paedophiles? Isn't that how people get caught?

M: Maybe. But I can't imagine the authorities are too concerned with a couple of cougars looking to bed the odd teenage boy.

BF: Well, they should be.

Take a pill

M: Is your newly acquired celebrity helping you on this front?

BF: Oh yeah, Mike Williams, remember him from MuchMusic back in the day? He's a big fan. So is Michael Stipe.

M: That's wonderful, not that I asked. But speaking of homosexuals, I'm guessing there's probably a fairly large gay audience for Stink Mitt, right?

BF: Well, yeah. Because gays are freaks and we're freaks too, you know? It's cool because with gay audiences we can be so much more raunchy. Straight audiences, like, if you take off your shirt or something the guys start ogling you. But fags are cool, it's just cool to be a fag. I'm a fag, really. I'm appropriating fagdom because I'm very masculine and I like guys.

M: Of course, like Liberace.

BF: You think Liberace was masculine?!

M: Uh, that was meant to be a joke, actually. But moving right along, your bio says you chicks are into drugs. What might be the Stink Mitt drug of choice? I'm guessing Rohypnal might come in handy every once in awhile.

BF: Yeah, roofies are good. And Ativan with booze. That's what we do when we have to fly. Jenni gets angry 'cause the portions of airline food are so small that we need to sedate her. And that's why we have Dr. Do This with us on tour, 'cause he's an actual doctor and can administer all the drugs we need. Otherwise, it's such a pain in the ass to get drugs when you're in different cities all the time.

M: Um, so I've heard. Hey, "Bangin' on my Clit," what might that song be about, I wonder?

BF: It's actually the first song I ever wrote. It's about sex and it's kind of an angry song. I had a crush on this DJ - and I think I'm pretty fly, right - so whenever I want a guy I just automatically assume they're going to want to jump on top of me, but this guy didn't and I got angry and drank a lot and just sort of freaked out that he didn't want to have sex with me. And that was about it. If you don't want to fuck me, then fuck you!

Menacing matrons

M: I hear you've given cougar props to Celine Dion. How come? Her man René has gotta be at least a decade older than her.

BF: Well, we're into the irony. Just look at her, as if she isn't fucking other people. Come on. Look, she's dating that old man, he probably needs a penis pump just to get his dick hard so she can suck on it. Obviously, she's fucking other people and if you're Celine Dion, with all that money and power, obviously you're fucking young, hot, ripped boys.

M: Oh yeah, obviously. Just do the math.

BF: Okay then, let's just say that she's under suspicion of being a cougar. She sure looks like a cougar. And she inspires other cougars too. Like, can't you picture a cougar, getting ready on a Friday night to go out to her favourite martini bar, really hoping to have an extra-marital affair with her boss and get a raise on her paycheque, you know what I mean? Can't you just see her putting on her Lancôme make-up and listening to Celine?

M: No doubt. Do you find a lot of people just don't get Stink Mitt, don't see the humour and simply find you offensive?

BF: Well, we played in Whistler recently for a bunch of ski jock boys and they certainly didn't get it. Sneering at the stage and yelling things at us. But no one gets too aggressive with us because they are frightened.

M: Really? What's there to be scared of? A couple of sexually aggressive older woman? Too frightening.

BF: I think maybe they're afraid they just won't have the energy to keep up with us. I think a lot of people look at us and wonder, "Is this really necessary?"

M: What do you mean by necessary? Culturally, or just your continued existence on the planet?

BF: (laughing) Yes, both, exactly.

M: I heard a rumour that your alter ego has an MA in women's studies.

BF: Yeah, I do, and in a past life, as a DJ with my radio show, I promoted some of the first female MCs and hip hop artists in Vancouver, put a lot of them on my show, and now some of these woman are definitely accusing Stink Mitt of not being very empowering or feminist. And I find this very surprising.

M: Well, the feminist movement continues to be quite fragmented, as I'm sure you know. Maybe you need more supporters from the school of Camille Paglia or that crowd.

BF: I don't like Camille Paglia, to be honest. I'm more into bell hooks, Judith Butler, Angela Davis and many of the black feminists.

M: Sure, yeah, Esther Rolle of course. So I guess you're not holding out hope that Sarah McLachlan might stop by, offering Stink Mitt a spot on the next Lilith Fair?

BF: (laughing)Ha, we wish. :

With Test Pilot at le Swimming on Saturday, March 22, 10pm, $6

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