M Here’s something about TIGA. The man is a Montreal icon. His skills are unparallelled as he’s done more to put this shitty city of candy-assed player-haters on the map than anyone else in recent memory. He’s been doing what he does for over a decade and he only gets better and more experienced as time goes on. He’s a star in every European country but still he calls Montreal his home. He’s a star and you, my friend, are nothing. You’ll never be half the man, wink wink, that he is. Respect. [BLEEP!]

M Yo, this is [someone dubiously claiming to be] Pharrell from the Neptunes and N*E*R*D. I’m just saying, man, leave Tiga alone. His voice sounds like a VIOLIN. So at the end of the day, you say he’s gay/but y’all motherfuckers can’t display/any little thing you try and bring his way/you’ll get crushed in a minute, that’s all I can say. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for that dude who wanted to know who does the Super Mario Brothers song about Super Mario busting bricks with his head, trying to get the pussy. It’s by some kid named Benefit and the song is called “Warp to World 69.” Check it out. [BLEEP!]

M This is Mossman, for the female who is bitter towards me. Unfortunately, Black Redemption wasn’t able to make it and had to cancel, but he will be coming very soon. So don’t worry all you hardcore electro-dub fans, Black Redemption will be coming to play some of the best in modern dubs very soon, either in April or May. Do not worry, the dub is happening and, please, do not remain bitter because I’m doing my best under all the circumstances. Thank you very much and forward the dub all the time. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Rant Line™ and Montrealers, I need your help. Despite what’s going on in the world nowadays, we must not forget what happened in the past. This year will mark the 70th anniversary - for lack of a better word - of ADOLF HITLER becoming chancellor of Germany. This year will also mark the 65th anniversary of Hitler invading Poland. If you, a family member, a relative or a friend, is a Holocaust survivor, please e-mail me at holocaust@columnist.com for a book and possible television special. We must not forget. Thank you, Rant Line™. [BLEEP!]

F Yo, I’ve just got a few thoughts on Black History Month. Will there ever be a WHITE HISTORY MONTH? No. Will there ever be a coalition of white artists of Canada? No. Will there ever be White Entertainment Television? No, but who cares? I don’t. As a white person, if these things existed, I would feel marginalized but, somehow, it’s okay to have Black Entertainment Television and Black History Month and expect them to solve race problems. I personally think it just creates more. Everybody needs to stop embracing their race and start embracing humanity. [BLEEP!]

M To the guy last week complaining about discrimation against the mentally ill. For a mentally retarded guy, you sure can leave a long, complicated, intelligent and interesting rant. I don’t think you’re that retarded, bro. [BLEEP!]

F Maybe it’s something in the air but people sure seem to be masturbating a hell of a lot lately and it’s weird that people have such a problem with it. Masturbation is normal. It’s better than fucking a wall or something! And for Mr. 1-800-I’LL FUCK YOU, okay, you don’t even know the bitch or what she looks like, that’s a great way to catch something. [BLEEP!]

M I’d really appreciate an answer to this question. Where can I get some OPIUM in the city? I mean, like, I’ve gotten heroin. I can get anything else. Where’s the opium? It’s impossible to find. If anybody could let me know where I could get some opium in Montreal - hopefully close to the downtown area - it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. [BLEEP!]

M I love FEET. I love feet more than any other Montrealer. I love the shape, the feel, the SMELL and the taste of them. What I want to know is if there are any other Montrealers out there - both male and female - who love feet as much as I do. If so, I would love to hear your stories and experiences about feet or see PICTURES of them. My e-mail is footlove@hotmail.com. Much appreciated, Montrealers. Bye. [BLEEP!]

F So I took my cat to be spayed and, although she has a new reason to lick her CROTCH, I’m just wondering what emotional damage I may have caused her. Of course, I thought I was doing the right thing - controlling the kitty population and all - but is her life changed forever without me even being aware of it? Why should those stray cats without homes have all the fun? [BLEEP!]

M What the fuck is with these monkeys and their BLUE TESTICLES? Why do monkeys have blue testicles? What possible purpose does it serve? Is their semen blue? I don’t get it. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum