F This is for Mossman. We were really excited to see that you were bringing in Black Redemption Sound System. We looked forward to the show for a week. We held debates about whether the Roots or Black Redemption were more exciting and, finally, when the night came, we went to the bar to find it in darkness with the door locked and our hearts sank. Now we are bitter and really hoping that you can make it up to us. [BLEEP!]

M My rant is about Tiga. I know why he’s doing what he’s doing. It’s because all he does is copy what WAS because he has no idea what the fuck really IS anymore. His look is based on Soft Cell and on trash from the early ’80s from London. If you can’t tell that then you really don’t know music at all. As far as originality, well, he’s one of the people who helped destroy the rave scene here by turning it into nothing but a rip-off of disco from the ’70s. That’s why he’s looking the way he is. It’s got nothing to do with gay, it has more to do with lack of creativity and originality. Ciao. [BLEEP!]

M I’m calling for the guy who called about Tiga. I’ll tell you why Tiga’s playing GAY. It’s because straight people like you spice up their boring normative lives by stealing culture from two other groups: black people and fags. But, don’t worry, we fags are cooking up new styles that you and your homophobe friends will be into five to seven years from now. [BLEEP!]

M To the guys who jammed with Mike Watt. You deserved the encouraging words - all four of you did. By the way, it was Mr. Watt himself who told me that you’d only jammed for an hour. I’m told he’s a little confused, but considering the guy managed to put out an album that incorporated his entire life onto 70 minutes, I guess you could see where seven hours of your time could translate into one hour of Mike Watt’s day. Once again, support the local music scene, baby. [BLEEP!]

F Hey, I’m wondering if someone out there could help me. I’m looking for the Super Mario Brothers song - but not the one by the Cocoa Brovaz, “Super Brooklyn.” It’s actually a song with the same beat but they’re talking about the game and some of the different things in the levels. I found it once on the Internet and I lost my file and now I’m looking for it again. So not the Cocoa Brovaz “Super Brooklyn” but a rap song with the same sounds in the back but that talks about going through the levels of Marios and getting the PRINCESS at the end. If anyone out there knows what I’m talking about, please let me know. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, I’m just calling to say that my name was mentioned in the Rant Line™. That girl mentioned that nobody wants to see chickie poo masturbate all night long. Well guess what? My name happens to be NOBODY and I am HAPPY to see her masturbate all night long. So tell her to keep on masturbating! And to the girl and her boyfriend, get a life. [BLEEP!]

M This is Jake Brown calling from BRITISH COLUMBIA and I just want to let you guys know that we have Dinty Moore stew here with more DINKS in every can. You cannot get that in Quebec. I’m thinking of exporting it. So if anyone’s interested, give me a call. 123-4567. [BLEEP!]

M (very distressed) I just read the article about swastikas on the backs of skinheads’ heads. Everybody talks about how they hate the gays and they hate the Jews and how they hate the blacks but they don’t mention that the first people who were killed in Germany during the ’30s were the mentally ill and disabled. I would like to mention that we are the ones persecuted by WHITEHEAD SUPREMACISTS (begins to cry). Just tell me, have you ever heard of a millionaire mentally ill rock star or millionaire mentally ill actor, actress or a city councillor? How about an MP? You ever hear of a mentally ill MP in power before? How about a high school principal? Ever hear of one?! We’re never mentioned, okay!? So mention us! We’ve got a word for racism, we’ve got homophobia, another bad word, but what do you call it when you’re oppressing the fucking mentally ill by making them live off the state for the fucking rest of their fucking lives!? What’s the word for that!? There ain’t no word for that because NOBODY CARES. You have no word to describe us! You get stuck because we’re so subhuman! How many financially independent mentally ill people exist!? Huh!? Less than one per cent!? We don’t fucking have any choice! So give us the guaranteed income supplement or fuck off and don’t be in my face! [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’m just calling about this guy who wants to know if he can catch anything from stealing butts from ashtrays. Yeah, cancer, you dumb fuck. [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum