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Barbie doll up >> Masturbation with a scientific calculator? Bad head from a Buffy co-star? Clucking like a chicken? The steamy, surprising and sometimes disturbing results to Sex Survey 2003 |
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conducted by SASHA 1. Your most unique masturbation item, how it was used and is it now part of the roster? 1. Your most unique masturbation item, how it was used and is it now part of the roster? Kids fuck the darndest things! • Sitting on my hands until they are numb, then masturbating. Your hands are so numb it feels like someone else doing it. • A mailbox-shaped candy container. • A cigar case used for anal stimulation. • This all started on my birthday when my friends decided to buy me a pair of brass knuckles (as a joke). Later that night while I was lying in bed rubbing my cock with Vaseline I thought it would be interesting to jerk it while wearing my new toy! Oh man, what a rush! Masturbation hasn’t been the same for me since. I now need to use my brass knuckles at least once a day; they’re just so good! • My ex-boyfriend’s Dad’s massage unit… that was fun. • I used to try to stick everything I could in my vagina - combs, pens, you name it. I stopped doing that when I discovered the shower massage, and I stopped doing that when I discovered the Magic Wand.
• I used to sit in the music supply room in high school and masturbate using a scientific calculator and rubbing in-between my legs over my pants. TV remotes also work well, but I don’t masturbate in public anymore. • A bagel. Used in the way one would imagine. Not part of the roster anymore. • The shower head. I was on anti-depressants and it was about the only thing that could get me off. It’s detachable and you could adjust the pressure on it, so I’d press it up against me and have multiple orgasms for about half an hour. • Wool sock. And sure, it’s still part of the repertoire. • A very large grapefruit with a hole punched in the centre. You just fuck it, but it can be messy. Tried only once. • Looking in the mirror, seeing my erection. Still part of the roster! • Plastic tube from M&M minis. My woman had one of her best orgasms. • The clothes dryer. I would sit on the corner edge and go with the flow all while doing a load set at maximum speed. Unfortunately it’s no longer part of my roster, as I no longer have one in my apartment. You could imagine the look on people’s faces if I were to try this technique in a laundromat. • The inflatable pillow for my bathtub. I found that if I let a little bit of air out, got it soapy wet, and wrapped it around my tool that it was quite a nice way to end a hot bath. I still use it weekly. • When I was a kid, I used to lie on my stomach and grind whatever was there - pillow, stuffed animal etc. I remember once thinking that some sort of weight on the small of my back would feel really good, “But what?” I wondered. “A brick? A heavy book? Ah, yes, the cat.” You try convincing a cat to sit perfectly still on your back while you dry hump a pillow. And no, the cat is not longer a part of the roster. He’s dead. 2. Your worst sex accident. What did you tell the doctor at the emergency and did he or she believe you? So I was eating a banana and suddenly I slipped and fell on the peel and my pants flew off and then I… • One time, my boyfriend and I decided to experiment with a banana. As we were finishing up, a piece of the banana got stuck inside of me. I unsuccessfully tried to remove as much of it as possible and figured the rest would eventually make its way down. The next morning I realized that it wouldn’t come out on its own and decided to take a trip to the ER. I had to tell the truth. And because it was too late to simply clean out the remains out, she had to use medical supplies to clean my inner walls. Kind of like a douche.
• The condom broke, and a piece got stuck inside. Never was I in so much pain! • Wife was on top, we missed the target, bent poor Mr. Willy, I screamed, dribbled blood, no sex for a month after that. I told the truth to the Doc. He shuddered and crossed his legs! • A broken dick. I bruised it from going at the side for too long. The bruise healed in a couple weeks. • Once, my at-the-time girlfriend and I had unprotected sex (we were about 15 and very uneducated in those matters) and we didn’t want her to get pregnant. So we “cleaned” her insides by injecting water in her vagina to try and drain out all the sperm. The water was a bit soapy and although she never got pregnant, she had some really bad aches and pains for weeks after that. She told the doctor that she tried a new douche. • My worst sex accident would have to be while driving. No, my girlfriend didn’t bite me while going down. She looked up when I yelled, “Oh shit!” just before plowing into the rear of a parked car. My best friend in the back seat, however, was not so lucky. He and his lady of the evening had already started to do the deed and the two of them were slammed up against the front seat, each dislocating a leg. We couldn’t dress them before the cops got there so we didn’t bother lying about their situation. The EMT guys had a good laugh as they loaded them onto stretchers. I did loose my licence for a year, since I was pretty drunk at the time. • The time my girl puked on me while giving me head. No doctors involved. • Pretty standard. Knot in the back. It came from some rough doggy style sex on the floor. I went right into the wall, and cramped up. The doctor didn’t believe me. He later became a good lover though. • I’ve been very lucky. Unless we want to count the millions of colposcopies. Thanks! • Every once in a while I wrench my neck so badly during sex (usually doggy style with my face crammed in the pillow) that I need muscle relaxants. I don’t even bother lying to the doctor anymore. I figure they’ve seen much worse. 3. Your favourite commercially produced sex toy and why? They don’t call it the Cadillac of vibrators for nothin’! • The Magic Wand. It enhances every part of my sex life, from solo to shared. My girlfriend and I stick it between our cunts and grind on it like horny schoolgirls. • The Sex Swing, because of the endless positions. • The smaller dildos - easier penetration, compact, uses smaller batteries, and just looks cute. I’d rather use a smaller one so that when I have sex it’s a change for the bigger. • Fake vaginas. I was never comfortable with the look of my vagina until I saw a fake vagina up close. • The bullet. I see stars when I use that thing. I can’t explain the amazing Os I get. It should be illegal - I hardly go out anymore. • Flavoured lotions. Yummy… need I say more? • Chocolate body paint… need I say more?
• The Fleshlight. Smells nice, feels nice, no mess. • Pocket Rocket because it gives my partner multiple orgasms during sex. • My whip! It keeps my girl in line! • The Rabbit. Multipurpose, multitask, multi-speed, multi-orgasm! The chef recommends. • The Wand, the Wand, the Wand, the Wand. Why? ’Cause three years later, she’s as spry as the day I got her. I’ve had vibrators that would sputter out and heat up (which turned into a weird beat-the-clock game - “I have about seven more seconds before my clit blisters… Yeow!”). My Wand has never disappointed me. 4. The worst piece of shit you’ve ever bought and what’s it doing now? Bad, bad, bad, bad vibrations. • I didn’t buy it, it was a gift. This gun-shaped vibrator that batteries blew up in and leaked into. A friend now uses it in this performance piece, where he does the robot to Mr. Roboto and then pulls out the gun at the end to the lyrics, “I’m Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!” It’s pretty fucking inspiring. • Little rubber sleeves for my girl’s vibrator. They’re in the closet rotting away! • The first vibrator I purchased, a phallic-shaped atrocity, broke the first week purchased. Decaying in a dump, hopefully. • Inflatable sheep. I set her afloat last time I was on Lake Michigan. I wonder who found it. • One of those fantasy condoms with the tentacles coming out of the top. Threw them out. • Underwater vibrator. It leaked water into the battery compartment, and was hopelessly weak anyway. Today it’s landfill.
• Playboy magazine. Collecting dust. There’s no pleasure in reading Playboy, the stories and jokes suck. • Fukuoku. Fucking complicated and ultimately useless. Collecting dust. • I now hate Astroglide after getting the worst yeast infection of my life from the glycerine. At present it’s under my bedside table covered in dog hair. Maybe I’ll throw it out. • Strawberry-flavoured lubricant. It’s disgusting. I think I left it in my roommate’s desk when I moved out of college residence. • One of those jelly vibes that feels like a fly strip. It’s now lying in a dumpster. • Japanese condoms. Probably in some landfill by now. • Those furry handcuffs. My parents didn’t realize what they’re for. They have them now - my dad gives them to kids to play with when they visit their house. He has removed the fur though. 5. The sexiest thing anyone’s ever said to you. Still makes you feel like you’re in a Jean-Luc Godard film. • The first time my girlfriend asked, “So you want to fist me?” I had never fisted a girl before, and it was the sexiest, sweetest, most trusting question anyone had ever asked. • “I want to lick your entire body.” • “That’s the most cum I’ve ever seen. Can you do that on my breasts?” • “Concentrate on your pleasure, not mine.” • “My daughter was right!” • This is going to be hard to explain, but the first time this really cute boy said, “Do you want to fuck,” with my name inserted at the end of the sentence. My name, those words, his lips. Mmmm…
• “Let’s cover ourselves in baby oil, and have sex on top of garbage bags.” • From my husband, “You give me an unholy erection.” • Maybe not the sexiest, but definitely the sweetest: “I feel very intensely about you, I love you, I know who you are inside, and I think that you are worth my love, and that is why I stay.” • “You have the biggest dick.” • “Oh, you’re so juicy. I have to fuck and suck.” • I’m 33 with two kids, and my boyfriend and his friends were having a beer at the house before heading out for dinner. I was crouched down by the stereo, putting in some CDs when the room got strangely quiet. Realizing that my G-string was showing, I changed my position and looked at the guys. They all started laughing like little boys, and I was very embarrassed. It came out at supper that I gave them all an instant erection and they had their boys’ night discussing how lucky my boyfriend is and how fuckable they think I am. La Senza got a lot of business from them that week. It made me feel great. • “Your tongue feels like six inches of heaven.” • “I can’t believe you made me come twice! I’ve never had that happen to me! You’re the best!” • “I think my nipples are too big, can you look at them and tell me if it’s true?” • I can’t answer this. I keep thinking of things and having to go and masturbate. 6. In your estimation, the most “where the hell did they come up with that one?” thing anyone’s ever asked you to do. Take that, America! Take that, Barbie! Take that, mom and dad for telling me masturbating is evil! • I’m always the one with the suggestions that seem too crude to verbalize. Luckily I’ve met someone who is the super bottom to my super top. My boyfriend and I were in a drunken passionate state. During foreplay, he took his 40-ouncer and stuck it up me while taking drinking breaks with the very same bottle. At that moment I thought to myself, “Where the fuck did he come up with that?!”
• “Let me stick my finger up your anus just as you’re about to come.” • “Slap me baby, slap me hard!” • “Tie me up, blindfold me, pound your cock hard down my throat.” • Once in a restaurant my girl gave me a piece of bread and asked if I would go to the bathroom and masturbate on it! I did it! When I brought it back to her, she ate it. Very exciting! • I went home (hers) with this girl after a party. I’ll admit I didn’t know her too well, but whatever. So we started making out and she began groping my cock. I was feeling real good and that’s when she asks me, “Wouldn’t this be so much better if I was sucking you off while kneeling on an American flag?” At first it sounded ridiculous, but she kept insisting so I gave in. After she got me off, she decided to wipe me, soiling the flag! Looking back on it, it was one of the weirdest things I’ve been asked to do, but damn it, she gave good head! • I will always love the 19-year-old-raised-on-Maxim’s patented move. He kept rhythmically pressing on my stomach, right above my pubic bone, right on my bladder - press, press, press. “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked. “I’m stimulating your G-spot,” he informed me, as though I was the dumb one. “Oh fuck off with that.” I said. “I’m going to pee.” Hot. • Stuck my finger in his butt while he watched some guy getting a blowjob in a porno. • I was spread eagle and as he was giving it to me - need I say not very well - he started to tickle my feet. Only I don’t think he understood what a “light touch” was. He dug into my soles then he asked me, “Are those chicken feet? You wanna be a chicken? Cluck for me baby!” He was SERIOUS! • “Do you mind if I piss on you?” • “Could you blow into my belly button?” • To believe them when they said they weren’t fooling around, especially when I could SMELL that they were. 7. Are you a cheater? If yes, why, and why don’t you just come clean and try an open relationship? There’s a country music award in here just dying to get out. • I cheated on a few boyfriends, but I find for the most part it was because I was feeling insecure and looking for a weird way of getting out of the relationship. Now I don’t have to cheat, I’m in an open relationship! • I’m not a cheater - anymore. • Nope, never cheated on anyone. Always been straightforward. I have, though, called a girl up to dump her right before I slept with another woman. • Yes, I’m a cheater. I won’t come clean and try and open relationship because I’m selfish! There, I said it. • Yes, I’m a cheater. I’d love an open relationship, but it doesn’t exactly work too well when the other people involved don’t! • Yes, ’cause she did it first. We talked about it, I was ready for it and then the idea just dropped out of the running. • I have cheated. I find that you can’t categorize this type of behaviour. When I’m with someone just for the hell of it, I do cheat, if there is no way for the person to find out. If the relationship is serious, I won’t let the worst get the better of me. • Yes, because I’m not fair. I want my guy to be faithful. I’m just good at concealing deception. Besides, sex is more fun when it’s a secret. 8. Are you in an open relationship? How’s it working out? • So far, so good. My girlfriend is incredibly reasonable when I start to work myself into a lather. I realize being in an open relationship doesn’t mean losing control if you have good communication skills. • Yes. It’s new, get back to me next year on this one. • Open, no. But we have threesomes about once a year. 9. Ever try to starfuck someone? What was the outcome? It means, “Have you ever tried to fuck someone famous?” knobs. Seriously, has PlayStation just stopped you all from leaving the house altogether? • A series regular from Buffy the Vampire Slayer attempted to blow me in the bathroom at a party two summers ago. She gagged on my bishop and puked all over the new Diesel jeans I had bought earlier that day. Not only a missed opportunity for my first celeb, but also the worst head of my life. • I had sex a few times with a guy in a really bad Canadian rock band that never got famous. He gave me a CD. I still have it. • Uh, well he was the lucky one, sandwiched between the two girls he brought to the show that night, with no idea that he was dating the two of us. But we ended up having fun in the end - in the bathroom stall in the men’s room at Bleu est Noir! • This guy who was in this once-famous Canadian band took pictures of me and two of my friends while we were all fucking in his hot tub. When he went downstairs to get us more drinks, we ripped the film out of the camera and one of us shoved it under one of our wigs.
• I used to live on the same street as Richard Séguin. I would smile and say “hi” to him every day. Then one day I fell over one of those twine things people use to wrap newspapers in right in front of him and that was the end of that. • Maybe I’m naïve, but what does starfuck mean? • Er, I don’t know what a starfuck is. You know, you should really have a glossary with this survey. • What the hell is starfuck? As in like a porno star? All the time! • When I was a stripper I danced for the drummer in Gowan’s band. Seriously, that’s the best I can do. 10. The most romantic thing you’ve ever done that now makes you cringe like you’re sucking on a thousand lemons. You see what you get when you try to express yourself? Poetry is for people who live in oppressive countries, not whiny, privileged lovestruck gurls and boys. • Oh dear. If I could possibly get that poem back I wrote to my first boyfriend with a lock of my hair attached to it, I would be very relieved. • Buying an expensive, vintage ukulele for my ex boyfriend who turned out to be serenading every girl in town with his other ukulele, if you know what I mean. Damn, I wish I could get my hands on it and shove it up his ass! • At the time, sex on the beach sounded good. It was quite the romantic thrill. Unfortunately, the sand propagation made things quite intense (ouch) and unbearable. • I don’t have any of those. Lucky for me, all the romantic things I’ve done have worked out. The best was my one-year anniversary surprise where we made love on a bed of roses in Ottawa. • My girlfriend at the time wanted a Mustang for her birthday - like I could afford that on a busboy’s salary. So I bought her a toy one and put two tickets to the KISS reunion tour in the trunk. On the card I wrote, “Look in the trunk.” Two days later we watched the episode of The Simpsons when Ralph does the same thing to Lisa. I am getting nauseous just writing this. • Oh, the poems I have. Loads of rhymes - rain, pain; wait, fate; kiss, miss. I still have all of it. • Bought her a ring and wrapped it like it was a lollipop. • I chalked a big poem on the street for my boyfriend. I slept in his car when we had a fight, and he found me the next morning when he was headed off to work and forgave me. I actually licked his anus. Ewww. • I used to get up and make breakfast for my 40-year-old lover when I was 19. I would bring it to him in bed, naked, and massage him as he ate. Now, looking back, he should have been doing it for me! Fuck, I was 19! • Serenaded a girl who lived on St-Laurent. I thought it was romantic, she thought I was nuts. • Jumping on a plane to London to join my girl and then getting dumped upon meeting at the gate. 11. The most hilarious/dated/embarrassing advice ever given by a parent that now strikes you as totally relevant. Who are these people? How did they not lose us in Fairview or leave us on a bus? • From my mom (who’s Italian), “Don’t marry an Italian man.” To which I replied, “Don’t worry, Mom, I won’t. I’m gay.” • “Here’s 10 bucks, buy condoms, don’t come home with a kid.” My dad has his way with words. • Try not to sleep on the wet spot. • “Use it before it breaks,” said by my father, before discovering Viagra. • This didn’t ever embarrass me: “Never fuck another woman’s man,” said my mom. Never did. Never will. • Well it’s not really advice, but my mother bought me condoms for my 16th birthday saying, “I think you’re ready now.” Very sweet of her but she was two years late.
• “Men have dicks - they like it where it’s tight. Women have vaginas - they have to be like clams and be tight. Don’t open your legs to just anyone, let him work for it. It takes a little effort to break open an oyster to find the pearl.” Fuck, my mom is weird. • Dad insisted that I should never sleep at a guy’s house. He also said that a true test to tell if a guy cares is if he bothers to make the effort to come to you. I thought he was an idiot, of course, because I was still young enough to have the problem of living with a parent and desperately wanting to get out of the house. But as time goes by, I see that it’s too hard to be honest with a woman when she’s in your bed naked. I’ve seen people bend over backwards for guys who never even phone them, let alone go to them. This advice comes from a womanizing misogynist who always has a woman in tow and who never sleeps at her house. I’m telling you, they get older, but the women are just suckers for punishment - and the BMW, I’m sure. • “Make sure he grooms his beard well.” • “Look to see what her Mom looks like.” • “How did you make out?” Last but not least, the much-lauded story section, where contestants vie for excellent prizes and a chance to launch their literary careers: Your best tale of sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll. Something you’d put on your resumé if you were applying to be in Led Zeppelin. One hundred words or less. Seriously, try reading this without “Louie Louie” playing in your head. Five hundred bucks for the look on the guy’s face, a thousand for the look on hers. There are sports terms for this type of behaviour, aren’t there? I believe in this case you’d call it a Twat Trick. |
• Sticking the handle of a toothbrush up my ass while whackin’ off.
• I didn’t know it was Krazy Glue, I thought it was lube.
• Silver Bullet vibrator. Classy, easy to clean and does the job very well.
• Jill Kelly Blue Mermaid Masturbator (pocket pussy). Hurts like hell, and no way to catch the cum.
• “I like it when a guy shaves me.”
• A girl in high school wanted to stick a Barbie doll up my ass while she masturbated with a Ken. It took me three days and a lot of bran to expel that plastic head.
• I guess it would be at The Zone (aka Club One) when Clitoris Rex was playing. And Faith (the singer) and I had quite a lot of fun in the ladies’ bathroom together. She is just too fucking hot!
• “If her vagina smells bad, run. Run like hell.” |
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