M Hello, Rant Line™. I’m calling about the fellow who had those kind things to say about the Mike Watt show. I’m one of the local musicians who played that gig - I’m not always sure which band I’m in either. I think I can speak for all of us when I say thank-you for the encouraging words. There’s one thing that I wanted to clear up - we didn’t rehearse with Mike Watt for only one hour that day. We actually practiced with him for a good six or seven pretty intense, heavy duty, not exactly a lot of fucking around kind of hours. It was quite something. And I think we were all relieved when people seemed to enjoy it so much. Anyway, thanks a lot and go see local bands, everybody. [BLEEP!]

M Hey, everybody, so here’s my question: Tiga. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he is straight, right? So why does he market himself as some butt-lovin’ homo? Every picture of him that I see, he is reclining in the most gay positions - not to stereotype gay positions or anything. He’s always wearing eyeliner and Andy Warhol WIGS. The dude, although he does have his own bad hair, is not gay and doesn’t wear eyeliner during his normal life. I’ve seen him and I’ve seen him DJ. No eyeliner, no gayness, he’s got a girlfriend. So why is he exploiting this gay aesthetic? How does that work and why do people dig it? I don’t get it. Any answers? [BLEEP!]

M What’s up with people who can’t distinguish five separate instruments from a 45-minute guitar solo? Much less Van Halen from anything the Roots could be playing on stage? If you can’t appreciate a little bit of rock with your roll, a little bit of R with your R&B, what can I say? Don’t shell 40 bucks to go see a show! As for the Nelly song? Everybody else in the room got the joke. [BLEEP!]

F To the guy who called in about the Roots show and how he wants his money back. Hey, don’t be dissing Nelly and Van Halen. That’s the whole great thing about the Roots, who are hip hop from the beginning. They’re open-minded and open to change. Get over yourself. Peace. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, I’d like to know if you can catch something from smoking butts from ashtrays and whatever. Also, does anybody remember the GRUBBY SPITS? Because I’m the singer and I’m looking for a new band. [BLEEP!]

F I just heard that the new Loblaws on St-Jacques and Cavendish is having a singles’ shopping evening. Talk about a MEAT MARKET, ha ha ha. Hope everybody goes, it should be fun. By the way, it’s on Valentine’s Day. [BLEEP!]

M This is for the girl looking for SCUBA FRIENDS. The best place to go is either dive clubs or dive shops. One of them would be Total Diving on Sherbrooke Street. I’m also looking for some scuba diving friends so you can send me an e-mail at urbandiver2@yahoo.ca. See ya. [BLEEP!]

M For the girl who is looking for scuba divers. Well, I’m one of those, that’s actually what I do for a living. I would be more than happy to meet with you because none of my friends here dive and those who dive don’t live in Canada. So let’s get in contact. I just don’t know how we’re gonna do that because I don’t wanna put my number in the paper for someone to call and MAKE JOKES. [BLEEP!]

M Yeah, this is for that chick who’s so pissed off about that girl across the alley who’s always MASTURBATING with her blinds open and her light on. Listen, if you don’t like it, I’ll tell you what: sublet me your place. I’ll pay $100 more a month than you’re paying and be real happy with my neighbour. You’re a fucking ingrate. [BLEEP!]

M To that chick complaining about that other bitch masturbating herself in front of you. She don’t have to close her blinds. If you don’t wanna look at it, then just close your own blinds, you know what I mean? If your blinds are still open, it’s so your boyfriend can keep on looking at her, right? Maybe there’s something wrong with your sex life if you keep on wondering if everybody’s masturbating. There are places where you could experience new sex horizons. Or you could holler at me, 1-800-I’LL FUCK YOU, you know what I mean? [BLEEP!]

M Hey, you know I can’t really complain about the SEX SCENE in Montreal because it is pretty good. But one thing I don’t understand is when you go to a strip club, it’s cool, you can actually TOUCH the girls and it’s all good, but you’re not allowed to masturbate. What is it hurting anyone if I put my hand in my pants and masturbate? I mean, if I bring a condom, then there’s no chance of disease or anything like that. Is there any place in this city where a person can just go and masturbate around other people, men and women? [BLEEP!]

Next week: Open forum